we will take over the whole world, you know

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire

You know the night you asked me if I'd consider getting an apartment with you when your lease was up? We were laying in your bed and the radio was playing songs that reflected the gloom: The Rain Song, Riders on the Storm... Those two songs playing with the real rain falling outside was one of the most perfect nights I've ever had. Especially after those two tacos cured my mystery disease and we curled up and watched TV together. My first thought was actually, "I can't bear to leave my huge bedroom and my amazing roommates" and then I realized that there's no reason to hold on to something as silly as 4 walls. They're wood and drywall and paint (and frankly they have problems with termites sometimes) and that does not compare to taking a real step forward with you.

Truthfully I want to start over. A coworker from bigMETHOD recently moved and although I don't talk to her much anymore, she pops up in my news feeds every now and then and I can't help but notice how incredibly happy she is. A new job and a new city to live in can do wonders if you do it on your own terms when the time is right (I obvs am the queen of finding this out the hard way, twice lol). The thought of having that happen in my own life is soooo refreshing.

I thought this weekend would be awful because I had to spend a large portion of my day at an event for work. Hanna with half of a weekend is NOT a Hanna that anyone wants to be around. Thank you to my amazing friend + roommate Gab, Rutts Hawaiian Cafe, and multiple South Park episodes for fixing my rotten mood. Today was a lot better than I thought it would be, and by the time I got home I was counting my blessings to have a sunny day, wonderful supportive friends and a green tea lemonade in my hand (purchased by Ian who is my ray of sunshine at work, always).

Today was my Dad's 52nd birthday. I called him and sang to him this morning and missed him so much I couldn't even stand it. When I moved home from LA in 2009 I surprised him on his 50th birthday by walking up the driveway with my luggage. I wish I could have flown home to give him a big ass bear hug. He is aaaalways my first choice when it comes to giving or receiving hugs.

And to you, beautiful Grandma Potaczala, I will be calling and singing to everyone on their birthdays from now on, because someone has to continue that tradition now that you're gone. I miss you.

sleeping with ghosts is such a lonely experience

I should be in bed, but I can't even think about sleep because I'm just too overcome by the urge to write. I don't even know what to write about I just know I should be doing it! I like when emotion strikes me that way; it makes me feel like it's my instinct telling me to do it and that even if I don't say anything important, maybe the right person will read it at the right time and it will lead to a new step in my already crazy life.

Today I think we all got mad enough to finally make a change. That's vague, but I think it should be for now. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it...

Over the weekend I think I started to love my roommates even more. I hear everyone I know talk about their living situations and how much trouble they have with their roommates and I'm so happy that mine are so amazing. Since Uncle Mike and Boris moved out, we haven't had one single problem about anything. We can all eat at the table together and play Super Nintendo and laugh and drink and be merry and it's just the best living situation I've ever had! I don't think I'll ever be able to top it. Mike, despite already being the love of my life lol, has been growing on me even more lately due to his CONSTANT ability to know me better than I know myself. When I wonder why I do something, he tells me and it makes sense. No one else has ever been able to do that. Not even my mom! People try all the time but I never say to myself "wow, they're right" unless it's with him.  His ability to imitate people, predict what they'll do, understand why they act a certain way is better than anyone else I've ever met. I wish there was a career in which you could just get to know people, cause he would make millions!!

The song below is one I heard for the first time in 10th grade and FELL IN LOVE with. It reminds me of a pair of pink flip flops I had and the Memorial Day parade that year and driving in the sun with my Dad. Brady and I just talked about how songs remind me of exact moments in time. Like Led Zeppelin's That's The Way, which reminds me of walking across a big grassy field to get to my apartment my Junior year of college in the fall. Strangely enough, I've stopped looking for new music lately? I don't know if it's just because I don't feel like I have the time to look for it or because the right atmosphere for me to fall in love with a song doesn't exist lately... something is off in regards to my musical exploration. And that's odd, because I have playlists documenting every spring/summer of my life from 2005 onward. Where is the 2011? Maybe it's just not spring-y enough yet. Springtime brings out the best in me.

It's funny how when I write about positive things I feel like the entry is less interesting. The only reason I write in a blog is because I know how much I like coming back and reading what I was thinking 4 years ago, 6 years ago, etc... it's nice to have proof that you've grown when you feel otherwise :)



XOXOOXOXOXO

Something to make note of

I moved into a new office, and since then I've been able to hear birds singing. They're singing extra loud lately, probably due to the same excitement I feel about daylight savings time allowing me to leave work before the sun has set each day. Justin can't seem to hear them. Maybe they're just singing in my head, or maybe I can just pick their voices out easily from all my time spent in the country. Either way, it made my day.

Ain't Misbehavin

It occurred to me that I am the kind of person that is comfortable in odd situations, and slightly awkward in "normal" situations.

I also find myself wondering why I don't speak more openly about the things I'm comfortable about. I'm comfortable talking about art in all forms, sex, family, huge life changes...and I've recently rediscovered a comfort I find in telling people what I think, straight-up and bullshit free. Some of those things are difficult to be comfortable with. I should feel proud of myself for that. And I do.

I am a flawed individual. I am stubborn and somehow I manage to be deeply narcissistic and self-conscious at the same time. However...if I see something wrong with my life that I could fix, I fix it. If I feel like I don't understand something that I should understand, I learn about it. Instead of waiting around hoping someone will come save me, I make every attempt to be rock steady on my own.

I've also been singing extra loud in the shower lately. Just sayin.

I'm taking a trip to Kansas in May with Brady. I'm pretty happy about that- I'll finally get to see a group of people I'm really excited to meet. I'm excited to buy a dress to wear to Audrey's wedding because I NEVER buy dresses and I'm excited to get in shape for summer. I want to cook more and cut up veggies to take to work for lunch like my mom does and I want to walk a puppy in the park and I WANT TO DRAAAWWWWW

This entry started out with such great ambitions but now I just don't care :D

I leave you with a quote-
‎"If you want to see the true measure of a person, watch how they treat their inferiors, not their equals."

think twice

“Mama used to roll her hair, back before the central air. We’d sit outside and watch the stars at night. She’d tell me to make a wish, and I’d wish we both could fly. Don’t think she’s seen the sky, since we got the satellite dish”–James McMurtry, Levelland


February is a friendlier month than January, but January felt just fine this time.



I am looking for new opportunities in almost all areas of my life. I want to grow. I want to go on adventures. I'm tired of living but not LIVING. The whole issue has been fairly relevant in my life lately but slapped me across the face on Friday night, when I watched Grace Potter & the Nocturnals take the stage for the first time in so long, and all that love and memory and sense of life that I felt when I was in the thick of it flooded right back to me and made me feel SO. AMAZING. There should be endless amounts of that feeling in my life, and instead I find there's barely any at all. I'm confused when it seems like I need to seek it out because my whole life, that has always sought ME out.

I'm not a big Valentine's Day person. I don't really like getting gifts for it (save some springy happy flowers, which are always welcome...hint hint! haha) but this year it will mean 3 things:

01. I get to see my best friend, who is flying out that night!!!!!
02. We have spent a year together. A Year is a long time for both of us. A year is a long time in general. But what does time matter, really? All that matters is desire. Everything else seems like just minor details. We are two drops in the ocean...
03. I have made it practically a year in this place: the place I SWORE I would not come back to. I didn't even make it 9 months in 2008! By this time last year I had already made up my mind that I'd make it work. And I did. Because I did it the way I WANTED to do it this time, instead of feeling rushed and pressured and unprepared.

I leave you with song lyrics, even though that is not a typical Hanna thing to do. Especially since the song is done to death.

I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk
but you are the only exception

i keep my visions to myself

Brace yourself kids...this is gonna be a long one WOOOO!!!

I am happy. And I'm thankful that I (for once) listened to everyone around me, because from the time my Grandma died until I was back home visiting my family for the holidays I was not happy. And me not being happy meant, like always, I was constantly thinking how do i get out, get me out, get me out  and planning a hundred different escape routes to other cities spread out across the United States. LA is not the problem. HANNA is the problem, haha. LA has never done anything but give me things that I've always wanted but have never been able to find elsewhere. I was very seriously considering two options: moving back to Buffalo and attempting to take over my Grandma's house, or moving to Denver where I know absolutely no one and just starting over with a blank slate. I LOVE BLANK SLATES. I love starting over. I always have. This does not mean that it's always the necessary or intelligent thing to do. And I will admit I found myself in bed one night, Googling symptoms of panic disorders because I had been feeling so consistently horrible and that day in particular had been plagued with an intense fear of something I couldn't even fucking understand. Google told me to wait a little while longer before doing crazy things, because it takes about 2 months to start feeling relief from the grief of losing a loved one. And almost 2 months to the day after she died, I started feeling better. And we all lived happily ever after.

I'll be honest; it wasn't just Google that told me to wait before making crazy decisions about my life. Leaving you doesn't show up anywhere on my to-do list...

I miss her so much. No matter what, she is in the back of my mind. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about what her hands felt like while I held them in the hospital. Her skin was so soft. And we all commented on that. How did we not notice that before? I wish I would have held her hands every single day. I wonder if dealing with loss ever gets easier. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and even THAT is bizarre to me. I can't imagine being at an age where my friends start dying. If it's just a matter of growing numb to it, then I don't want any part of that. I will gladly be the girl who seems to be more emotional than everyone else, because emotion is free and it's my own and when I feel something, I know I'm feeling it for a reason.

Wednesday morning was the first time that a Starbucks barista has EVER spelled my name correctly on a cup. H-A-N-N-A!

Brady and I talked about it briefly, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to live in the United States forever. Actually I'm not starting to think it, I am DEFINITELY thinking it. In Eat Pray Love (don't you judge me) Julia Roberts sits in a barber shop in Italy, listening to a man tell her that Americans have a psychotic, foolish obsession with work. And that is because we're obsessed with money. And that is because we want "the life" which means getting every extravagant material thing we want the moment we see it. We've labeled all the commercial bullshit "normal" and taught our kids that they need to live life this way as well. Life is so short...why do we put so much desire and emotion into money when there is so much beauty in the world that doesn't cost anything? Or when it is crystal clear that GREED has made America the fat idiot kid in the class?

But back to Eat Pray Love and being obsessed with work. I know I don't love to work, but I AM a productive girl with a great work ethic. But I also know when enough is enough. What I do is not who I am, and I am not my circumstances. Moving to a place like Bali sounds more and more like the right decision every day. Haha I am my father. If you know him, you know why I just said that. Pierce Hill is his Bali, his quiet green masterpiece that is so far removed from the insanity and noise of the world that sometimes when I'm there I forget anything else exists. I want to work to make the world a better place, and when I'm done doing that for the day, I want to be able to hear birds singing and put my arms around someone that I love.

I got myself back and it feels so good

The sweetest song to sing

Here is something I wrote 6 years ago- http://edible-bubbles.xanga.com/63326935/item/

While I am laughing at it (CELINE DION lyrics!! KYLIE MINOGUE in the currently playing section!!) I am also wondering if maybe it's smarter for me to surround myself with music rather than art like I've been doing for the past few years? It just seemed like I always got more out of music. But maybe that was just because there's more to do with music in school. I doubt I'd be able to find the same recognition/satisfaction from it now. But it's a thought that I should explore more anyway, just because I feel like exploring something :) And high five to 17 year old me, because that "I'm s i n g l e" part of the entry was referencing me breaking up with Joel Clear, LOL

I go home in a few days for a whole week...no funerals/hospitals this time! I am so looking forward to having a night of absolute silliness with Amanda, Ashley Covert, and Karin. With or without alcohol (but lets face it, probably with)

I don't get into many specifics here when it comes to love, dating, etc. Sometimes it's because I know no one will care, sometimes it's because I don't think it needs to be announced to the world, sometimes I don't wanna overwhelm anyone, sometimes I'm too lazy to type about it, haha. Buuuut I'm gonna switch it up and tell the world a few things tonight:

I went on a first date wayyy back in February with Brady, who I had been casually talking to since my birthday a handful of months prior. I wasn't expecting much out of it, even though the chemistry that I had with him did convince me to end the little thing I had with Adam Sorokes because I KNEW it wasn't going to work out no matter how great he was. I spent Valentine's Day laying on the beach and getting to know a really great guy who has seemingly taken up residency in the space inside of me where all the love goes. It has by no means been flawless, but he inspires me and makes me laugh and helps me unwind and is always there for me. It's been a strange few months but I'm glad they happened in the way they did, because it feels really good to know that we can get fucked up and come back stronger. That's the good stuff. He is always a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be dating such a caring and smart person. I am so lucky to be dating my best friend.

...but no, Neil, you will never be replaced.

Ain't love the sweetest thing

How funny it is when people can see your life more clearly than you can, tell you something about yourself, and they're actually right. I always appreciate people that are able to understand others so clearly, because a lot of people don't care to make that effort. Maybe it's easier for some people.

My troubles have been sorted out, or so it seems. Fiiiinally. I'm not going to announce them all here because one of them is frankly so strange that I'm a bit embarrassed by it and I don't want to tell the world how much control it's taken over me. BUT. And there is a big but. (I like big butts and I cannot lie) Just sorting out what is causing all this mess has made the knots in my stomach unwind and the buzzing in my head subside. There was just so much intensity that I got lost in it, I think. As I always do when there is intensity of any kind. I'm an intensity slut.

Have you ever read the thoughts of someone that were so like your own that it sucked you right in? Rolling Stone just released the full interview with John Lennon that was conducted a few days before he died. The things that Yoko Ono says about him and the things that he says/does in the interview make me feel like the possibility of a person's soul floating right down into someone else's body is one of the real-est things around. And maybe there was a piece of him floating around Buffalo General Hospital 6 years after he was killed, and maybe I breathed in at just the right moment. And even if that doesn't rationally explain the amazing connection I feel to him, I like the fact that I believe things like that can happen.

My boyfriend made me the most fantastic playlist that's been seeing some heavy playtime for the past few days. It calms me down when I start to freak out, and I'm not sure if it's because of the music itself or because I associate it with him and he always helps me relax when I need it. Regardless, I fell in love with this song and  I hope you do too: Katchafire - Who You With

When I look back on what happened today I have to laugh. I can't go into much detail I guess, but suffice to say: throwing a tantrum and forcing people to support your janky, non-trustworthy attempts at being a good person just bring your true colors out for everyone to see. I am so thankful that the people I allow into my life are not like you. To quote Meg Ryan- "You are nothing but a suit."

i've simply got to march, my heart's a drummer

This is a hilariously simple thing, but the other day I made a playlist of all those songs that I HAVE to listen to whenever they pop up anywhere. You know the ones you just love so much that you get excited to hear? I called that playlist Hannaland because it is obviously the songs that match me the most. And the past couple times I've noticed myself in a lousy mood, I've put it on and it transforms my mood instantly. I'm starting to notice that they're all loud in-your-face kind of songs...and when I listen to that kind of music it usually makes me want to be loud and in-your-face too. I have a lot of fun when I'm loud and abrasive so I'm not sure why I need to coax it out of myself...but if all it takes is a playlist and a cocktail or 2, I'm game.

I had a filthy dream last night that I shouldn't repeat online or in person or anywhere, so I've changed my mind and I won't describe it. But the more I think about it the more I laugh.

After my Grandma died I had myself convinced that I needed to get out of here and start fresh somewhere new (or old, since I was leaning towards Buffalo even though I wasn't completely sold on it). Jemal came down into my room one night and we had a long conversation about who I am, my weaknesses, my urge to run when things get hard. I was so scared to come back here after the funeral and face the bad things that were happening that I practically melted into the floor at Mighty Taco with my parents and couldn't speak, eat, move... It was the worst feeling I've ever felt and that is no exaggeration. Jemal told me I had to stop running, and although I think in some situations my running is totally fine, this particular one was not. I still don't think that I want to be in LA forever, and in fact even getting a California ID is such a commitment that I refuse to do it, but I'm taking baby steps lol.

Someday (probs sooner than later depending on when you stop TELLING me to do it) I will serenade you at a karaoke bar and it will blow your fuckin mind

Antici.................pation

Silver Soul is a song by Beach House that I'm really in love with.

I had such a great weekend. Ashley Covert was driving all over the western half of the country and decided to pay me a visit. We went to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show and got water thrown on us in the theater and I drank Jack Daniels and everyone had fun and I got to walk down Sawtelle Blvd at 3am wearing fishnets and underwear. These arrre a fewww of my faaavorite thiiings... Altogether it was the kind of weekend that makes you feel very much like yourself, and I need lots of those. I finally have my shit together when it comes to that sort of stuff. I feel myself coming out a lot lately when I would have previously tried to stifle it in favor of being...what can I even call it? Boring? Standard? "Normal"?

It took a few weeks but I finally feel totally content being "single." Even if nothing has really changed all that much from when I was in a relationship, even if we eventually get back together, even if we never do, even if we stop talking (which will never happen but you get the idea), the difference is that I accidentally let myself feel like I needed someone. That is just so very very very WRONG. And thank god for that, because people like that suck lol. Next on my list of things to work on to fix myself is to STOP going out of my way to avoid being annoying. Being annoying sucks. Having flaws sucks. But you had better believe I'd rather be myself and piss a few people off than tiptoe around feeling like a manufactured uninteresting giggly cocktail waitress of a human being. I am obsessed with perfection, there's no doubt about that. But I should probably stop trying to achieve it in every aspect of myself. Momma Scott is forever telling me I'm too hard on myself. But I know how much other people's flaws annoy me (that's a terrible statement but it's true) and I don't want to be that way too. When I felt the best, people told me I was a bitch and that I was selfish. And that may be true. Actually... I know for a fact that it's true, haha. But when it comes to the people I love, I know I've grown up enough to not make them feel bad.

I came home today to find a package from Amazon with You've Got Mail on dvd inside. It's the girliest, most predictable silly movie ever created and it makes me so happy I can't even explain it. It makes me love life and love family and love friends and love the holidays. I also took the next step in my little freelance design career and designed/bought myself business cards! They're piiiink and gray and white and fancy and I can't wait until THAT package arrives at my figurative doorstep so I can start leaving them in silly places all over LA. I'll probably get a lot of creepy phone calls if I do that, huh? Maybe not.

I started practicing the flute again last weekend. I'm really rusty! My fingers get tangled, my breathing is lousy, and my jaw starts to hurt after about 5 minutes of consistent playing. But it feels really good to have it in my hands again, so I'm not going to stop. I want to get more comfortable playing around people again. What I really wish is for there to magically be a community orchestra or theater that I could play in, but a) my work hours probably wouldn't work with it, b) I don't even think I should be playing at that level until I practice some more! and c) I don't think it exists anyway.

 Enough rambling for tonight. I need tylenol, a very late dinner, and to finish watching You've Got Mail all curled up in my silky new dark purple sheets. Yesss yes life you just feel fabulous today.

For Real

I know I want a change but I can't tell what kind or how much or when or why or where. I want something that I'm not getting, and even though I know VERY well what that something is, there's still something else that keeps poking me and telling me to do something new.

I had a funny thought on Saturday when I was watching Wizards of Waverly Place (shut up I like that show. It's better than reality TV, is it not?) and realized that I used to be exactly like Alex Russo when I was in school. I was always getting in trouble, but I was so smart and motivated with everything that I usually skated by without hearing too much about it. I sorta want to go around getting in trouble again I think. All my teachers used to have to tell me to settle down in class because I would be going a million miles an hour, talking to the people next to me, getting in trouble for laughing, etc etc. And I mean it...just off the top of my head- Mr Bennett (HE HATED ME), Schifely, Mr Kays, Mrs Brennan, Mr Schunke, Miss Morgan (or whatever her married name is now), Mr Taylor, they all had to sit me down and tell me to be more serious. WHAT IF THEY ARE THE REASON I'M SO SERIOUS TODAY

Srsly

I got a whole lot of work done today. In fact, I'll be honest, I built an entire website today that I've been procrastinating on in THE WORST way for the last couple weeks. And I even took a break in the middle of designing to go for a run in the sunshine, because that sunshine was peeking in through my balcony door and saying Haaaannnnnaaaaa Haaaannnnnnnaaaa come play with meeeeeeeeeeee

So I did! So what? Who caaares? (saying that like Fred Armisen playing Joy Behar)

Today I feel as happy as happy can be

Pretend you're sitting in an old rocking chair with a beer on a hot summer day in the country with willow tree branches bending over you, and then listen to this song.

Mazzy Star - I'm Sailin'

That's how I feel today. Life is easy breezy

I don't wanna time travel no more

I miss my Grandma tonight. I looked at the online guestbook from her obituary posting in the Buffalo News and came across my mom's post and it just about made me lose my breath. What a strange feeling it is to exist in this world, and what a strange feeling it is to see an existence that intertwined with your own come to an end. An existence is all we have...

I can't stop writing lately. It feels like I'm releasing all these oddities that were just sitting casually inside me, waiting for the moment when I finally realized I HAD to let go of them. I am a complete essay that is beginning to spell check. 

I want to dance all up on someone in a dark, smoky, sweaty club to this song. And I don't even like Robyn. SO. FUCKING. HOT.

wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people

Usually I work well under pressure.

Maybe it's not that I "work." Maybe it's that the universe can sense when I'm setting myself up for disaster and instead of making me suffer, it gives me what I need to fix my mess. That has happened more times than I can even count, which is significant because I've noticed that a lot of times it's hard to pinpoint exact instances in life where things have happened.

Kind of like an argument that goes like this:
"you always do that!"
"when have i ever done that? name a specific time that i've done that"
"...i cant think of one offhand"

Maybe I'm being really vague. Sometimes being vague feels good. I like not giving people the information they want because I know that they want it. I like doing everything to the contrary of what people want me to do, but subtly enough that no one really notices.

There's a quote floating around that tells us to never appear like we're more interesting than we really are because then there's nothing left for people to want. I almost feel like I'm doing the opposite of that sometimes, like I can make myself so fascinating to other people and draw in anyone that I want, but keeping them there is always a struggle.

There was a girl named Chrisol Lomeli at the show Randi played in last night who had such a beautiful voice but didn't quite have complete control over it. It's almost like her voice was trying to escape from her mouth- it was overpowering the rest of her. It made me think that maybe I should really stop being such a little bitch about doing the things that I KNOW make me happy just because I'm scared- performing mainly. There is nothing else that makes me feel the way singing/playing does, because I KNOW I'm good, and it was a HUGE part of my life. I stopped doing them both for other people because there were so many talented people in college. If the whole world wasn't planning on paying attention to me then I didn't care anymore, and eventually just developed some weird fear of it all. Aaaand now no one knows that I can actually do it! Except for my best friend, who will always be subjected to me belting out Grace Potter in the car.

The biggest problem with a pairing of two people who have made great lives for themselves by being truly happy without a boyfriend or girlfriend is that they've likely become very attached to living their life the way they want to. I'd like to think the best relationships don't have to sacrifice that at all, but I know that no matter how amazing a relationship is, there will always be some sacrifice. I don't really feel like I've had to make any of those so far, though I have had to change. There's a big difference between changing for someone and bettering yourself because there's someone worth that effort. I can bitch about being misunderstood and introverted all I want, but the bottom line is that I could stand to stop giving a fuck sometimes.

feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace

I've heard a lot of odd tactics to combat stress when you're sinking in it, but perhaps the best was a friend that told me to just focus on color. Maybe he does it differently, but I took that to mean ignoring the purpose, shape, and size of everything and only see the colors that exist, nothing else. It's tough to shut down like that and only focus on one thing at a time, but when I'm able to do it I can feel my mood lift almost instantly. Color always makes me happy anyway; I can look at the color of a lush, freshly cut deep green lawn in the summer and feel so happy that I can't even contain it- it's almost like I'm soaking up the health of the grass and getting all juiced up on it lol. I look at deep pinks and feel warm and content. I think color affects some people a little more than others, just like anything else in the world, but that little suggestion has completely changed some of my worst days.

Going home for the first time in over 6 months tomorrow night- I'll only have 3 days to spend with my family and that's NOT enough. What can I really do about it? Most of my friends in LA have been here their entire lives, so their families are here too. It's the one thing that bothers me regularly, and there's no way for me to fix it. I'm still excited! This has been the longest I've gone without being on a plane in about 2 and a half years. What a weird thought

(they didn't have you where i come from, never knew the best was yet to come)

Evi, who is one of the best people I know by the way, has been finding all these articles on being introverted and posting them online. She posted this one (read!) a few days ago. There are some sentences in this that are so scarily similar to things I've felt and written myself that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief after reading it. Everything is me; thriving on reflection and alone time, feeling depleted by too much social engagement, exercising not for the workout but for the time alone with my own thoughts, feeling inadequate in the workplace because the phrase "throw some ideas at me" isn't how I work through things in my head. These 2 sections in particular struck a chord:

"An introvert who is silent in a group may actually be quite engaged—taking in what is said, thinking about it, waiting for a turn to speak—but will be seen in the U.S. as a poor communicator."

"Hardest was feeling judged—and judging herself—for how she was wired. Others would nudge her: 'Just say what you think.' Being reflective was not appreciated or encouraged."

My boyfriend is like a puppy (An incredible, brilliant, generous, gorgeous puppy lol). He is always jumping around, being friendly, talking to everyone within 20 feet, trying to understand everything. This is the single major difference between us and it's very apparent. We're both 100% able to keep ourselves happy almost all the time, but the routes we take to get there are drastically different. I'm an active person, but I'd rather sit still and recharge. I'm a very friendly person, and around some people I'm REALLY outgoing, but I hate small talk and I usually only speak when I feel like what I'm going to say will be appreciated. I of course want to understand everything too, but instead of jumping in and asking questions, I learn more by sitting back and observing. I love him and I would not change a single hair on his head, but the differences in the way we act are hilarious to me.

I think the crazy side of me magically appears when I feel like I'm truly understood. And that feeling either pops up immediately after meeting someone (my coworker Justin for example, has witnessed it from day 1 because I sensed in our 1st meeting that we were very very similar) or it will take a long, LONG time to work up to. The guys in the machine room at CBS always see me at my craziest for some reason- prime example would be today when Jesse and I had a loud obnoxious dance party to Big & Chunky in front of people I've never met in my life. Being reassured that it's OK to "let loose" and being asked to be crazy are both automatic turnoffs. It's offensive to me because I AM silly and ridiculous and me not displaying that for someone by no means gives them the right to ask for it. It's difficult to explain properly but that's the best I can do. The trouble with feeling that way is that the rest of the world seems to think that I need to be coaxed into being extroverted and all that will ever do is make me retreat deeper. People can run circles around me and yell at me and beg me to get crazy, and I think to myself, "if you knew me at all you'd know that if you never prompted me for it, it would likely appear on its own one day." The people that I keep in my life are the ones that have picked up on that.

Have you heard Joan Osborne's (circa 1992 or something) cover of Dylan's "Man In The Long Black Coat?" If you haven't, do yourself the favor. That song is fucking amazing.

urban death maze

There are days when keeping up with other people is a little bit tiresome.

(today)

I blame September's Tuesday gloom...it made solitude so inviting. Made me want to buy sweaters and curl up in a lecture hall with a notebook and let someone else do all the talking. I love listening so much.

Maya and I were walking down Beverly today, discussing how overcast weather makes us want to put pajamas on, and it led to us coming up with a billion genius ideas (mainly for sexy, "easy-access" pajamas that would keep the spark in your aging marriage) in the time it took us to buy lunch. I always have so many curious ideas floating around in my head, but I lack the know-how/desire to make something of any of them. If we always did everything we thought about doing, the world would be even more peculiar. It would be like Alice in Wonderland. Or maybe half of us would succumb to being evil while the other tries desperately to make it all better (maybe that's not so different from the way things are now). I'm always on the better half, except when minor irritations get the best of me and I end up blocking people on Twitter because I JUST. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND. why they need to follow up on my personal THANGS.

I just got an email telling me I won a pair of concert tickets. My life is so fucking awesome.

babalu-aye spins on his crutches, says leave if you want, if you want to leave

Particularly relevant lyrics: Now I know only this/I've got you today/Don't fly away/Cause I love what I love/And I want it that way

This is sort of a creepy statement to make so I apologize in advance- there are 4 or 5 people on Facebook that I "stalk" regularly just because they're such smart, happy, and productive people that it gives me something to strive for. I don't even really talk to any of them that much. I think that the info & images you divulge on sites like that tends to say more about you than anything else lately. Above all else, I want to be the type of person that's able to remind everyone how beautiful the world can be. I think about that every day, and I know I'm lucky to have witnessed all that beauty first-hand. I blame Franklinville... little redneck Franklinville. Because this is what I see when I stand on my parents back porch:

Various other things that have made my world come together in the past month: a job that seems to have completely traded its turbo-stressful atmosphere for one of relaxed happiness, I-Love-Yous on a wobbly bench overlooking the entire city of Los Angeles, birthday serenades and homecooked meals, Mike's aunt Rona wearing Jemal's heels, 500 days of Summer, and an amazing night's sleep (or several).

A valuable lesson: almost everyone alive hates their job. If you have one that you like even a little bit, THINK IT THROUGH before you consider making a very odd or hasty career change. Going from web design & social media to animals & "sales" for example, is not a smart career change. Love animals! Don't love being a glorified receptionist. Lesson learned, career gods. I will behave from now on. Probably.

A story about love: If you are in a relationship that you constantly have to question, a relationship that makes you feel bad on even a semi-regular basis...I can guarantee you it's the wrong one. Because when you are with the right person, all it will ever do is lift you up. And this is coming from the queen of loving-someone-that-doesn't-love-you-back, so I have plenty of experience in heartbreak and the associated unhappiness ;) If it's real, you'll always be able to tell that you're on the same page and love each other equally.

Tradition: last year on our birthday, Mike & I went to Palos Verdes and had a picnic with a few people as we watched the sun set over the ocean. Gonna do that again tonight. It's a little late, but timing doesn't matter so much when you've got everything you need.

i'da danced like the queen of the eyesores and the rest of our lives woulda fared well

I should probably stop this argument with myself in which one side insists that I'm just having a lucky streak and the other insists that I'm really doing something right. I KNOW that I'm doing something right. I've never tried so hard to be a good person in my entire life. I want to do things that make other people happy and I want to do things that makes the world a better place. I feel like my heart has grown ten sizes in the past year. I'm thinking things through before I do them and I'm not letting anything bother me unless I've given it the authority to do so (and let me tell you how small that authorized list is...)

Without jinxing myself or sharing too much too soon, I need to say that today went very well.

I want to fall asleep with you every night until the end of time. You are magic.

the one where i finally get what i want

In more ways than one! REALLY Hannaland? You're finally ready to give in just a little and let multiple areas of my life function properly simultaneously? Is it because Saturn left Virgo and won't be back until 2036?! Just kidding. It's probs because life is sick of hearing me complain. I understand.

Boris left on Sunday. Not before putting up an elementary-school-esque fight about everything (NO you can't use my vaccuum to vaccuum a few tiny shards of broken glass from the living room, YES you can vaccuum the rest of the living room but don't break my vaccuum it was a HUNDRED DOLLARS, you WILL pay me 6 days worth of rent because you get to move in 5.5 days early), but he left nonetheless. I will not miss Boris. Mostly because I had to sleep on a floor for 4 months because of him. But a little bit because he's a tool.

I got a couch for $25 (twenny-fa-dolla) and a desk for $10 on Saturday morning. I feel like it's impossible to make it in Los Angeles if you don't have any access to CBS warehouse sales, guest lists with open bars, and other people's families that will cook you dinner. Unless you're a millionaire. Which lately I feel like I am anyway and it's not because of money, because I DEFINITELY don't have any of that.

We threw our intern Kelsi a baby shower today at EFG since she leaves on Friday (dreading that day) and played Pin The Sperm On The Uterus. I was so busy all day that before I knew it, it was 6:45 and I couldn't wait to escape WeHo and go snuggle on my 25 dollar couch in my jammies while watching Glee. Which is exactly what I did, until I got so caught up talking to Brady that I ended up ditching Glee for a self-serenade of Banana Pancakes. And the whole time I kept thinking about how comfortable I felt in this room, like I never left, not even for one day. I might even feel more comfortable in it now than I ever did before, partly because it's been so long since I've had a space that's all mine and partly because the last time I was here I was made to be uncomfortable in my own skin. It's been a year and a half since I've lived in this room, you know. That's a long time, and it was a very odd year and a half. Probably the most bizarre of my life so far. And it probably only gets more bizarre from here, right?

Gravity by John Mayer is playing. It reminds me of summer 07, in the car with Steph driving home from Thursday at the Square just as it was getting dark, the first time I ever saw GPN play live with Sam Roberts, staying at her apartment in Buffalo, the voicemail that I received that night, the den of my parents' house in the summer when the tree in the front yard makes the room glow green through the curtains...

Life has been so sublime the past couple weeks that under normal circumstances I'd be hesitant to shake things up for fear of waking up from the dream. But this time.......this time, I'm conducting a little experiment in which I totally let go of everything that brings me down. Starting with crazy programmed robot-people that never turn their business switch over to pleasure, and then moving right on down the line until all that's left is beauty.

we could close the curtains  pretend like there's no world outside  (and we could pretend that all the time)

just a thought

There are 5 people in my life that I would take a bullet for. That's 5 more than most people on this planet have. Such a small number until you realize that it's 5 entire lifetimes. Lucky for me, they're the 5 most generous, beautiful, supportive, caring people that ever lived.

Some chaos today, per usual, but I was so happy all day that I couldn't even be bothered by it. How easy life becomes when you realize you have more of a plan than you originally gave yourself credit for =)