wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

I want to learn how to play the harmonica

There are days when this sprawling, busy city seems so small to me and I can breathe easier and enjoy the feeling of the sun on my back when I step outside for a minute. You have days when you feel like you should be able to take the ride home from work slower and enjoy the breeze brushing past your skin, no? I certainly have those days (today’s one of em, what a wonderful feeling!), and I hope you do too.

Seeing Amel Larrieux on Sunset last night was- dare I say- the best concert experience I have ever had in its own intimate little way. The atmosphere was relaxed and focused, the Catalina jazz club is small and absolutely perfect for getting up close and personal to good music, the company I kept was warm. Amel is just flawless. She could walk into a room filled with colorful, interesting people and still capture everyone’s attention without any effort whatsoever. This whole weekend was filled with new things, good people, and crazy dancing. Crazy dancing from Amel's fans, crazy dancing from weird people at a Hollywood club opening, crazy dancing by men in red shirts at the Abbot Kinney Festival, and crazy dancing by John at the bar/at the festival/on Zoe's desk...). For ONCE the dancing was not supplied by yours truly! I don't know what came over me. I'll try harder next weekend. =)

It occurred to me that it’s been almost a month since I’ve thrown my arms around Momma and Papa Scott (and my best friend, but I think waiting 10 days for her to come here is do-able!) so I slipped out of the office for a second today to give my mom a call. There is no better feeling than knowing you have people to call that will always sound excited to hear your voice on the other end of the telephone.

I gotta tell ya, for growing up convinced that neither California nor the beach would be able to impress me, I laid in the grass last week and saw the most beautiful sunset over Venice that I’ve seen in a long time. What if the things that we see don’t look the same to anyone but ourselves? My lovely 7:30pm sun on the water might look like something completely different to someone else, but as long as they think it’s beautiful too, we’re all lucky.

I’m giving my late-September friendly blue Venice sky to YOU
H to-the-A to-the-double-N to-the-A

MP3: [Delta Spirit - People, Turn Around]
MP3: [Amel Larrieux - Weary]

PS--it rained in LA today!