sleeping with ghosts is such a lonely experience

I should be in bed, but I can't even think about sleep because I'm just too overcome by the urge to write. I don't even know what to write about I just know I should be doing it! I like when emotion strikes me that way; it makes me feel like it's my instinct telling me to do it and that even if I don't say anything important, maybe the right person will read it at the right time and it will lead to a new step in my already crazy life.

Today I think we all got mad enough to finally make a change. That's vague, but I think it should be for now. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it...

Over the weekend I think I started to love my roommates even more. I hear everyone I know talk about their living situations and how much trouble they have with their roommates and I'm so happy that mine are so amazing. Since Uncle Mike and Boris moved out, we haven't had one single problem about anything. We can all eat at the table together and play Super Nintendo and laugh and drink and be merry and it's just the best living situation I've ever had! I don't think I'll ever be able to top it. Mike, despite already being the love of my life lol, has been growing on me even more lately due to his CONSTANT ability to know me better than I know myself. When I wonder why I do something, he tells me and it makes sense. No one else has ever been able to do that. Not even my mom! People try all the time but I never say to myself "wow, they're right" unless it's with him.  His ability to imitate people, predict what they'll do, understand why they act a certain way is better than anyone else I've ever met. I wish there was a career in which you could just get to know people, cause he would make millions!!

The song below is one I heard for the first time in 10th grade and FELL IN LOVE with. It reminds me of a pair of pink flip flops I had and the Memorial Day parade that year and driving in the sun with my Dad. Brady and I just talked about how songs remind me of exact moments in time. Like Led Zeppelin's That's The Way, which reminds me of walking across a big grassy field to get to my apartment my Junior year of college in the fall. Strangely enough, I've stopped looking for new music lately? I don't know if it's just because I don't feel like I have the time to look for it or because the right atmosphere for me to fall in love with a song doesn't exist lately... something is off in regards to my musical exploration. And that's odd, because I have playlists documenting every spring/summer of my life from 2005 onward. Where is the 2011? Maybe it's just not spring-y enough yet. Springtime brings out the best in me.

It's funny how when I write about positive things I feel like the entry is less interesting. The only reason I write in a blog is because I know how much I like coming back and reading what I was thinking 4 years ago, 6 years ago, etc... it's nice to have proof that you've grown when you feel otherwise :)



XOXOOXOXOXO

i keep my visions to myself

Brace yourself kids...this is gonna be a long one WOOOO!!!

I am happy. And I'm thankful that I (for once) listened to everyone around me, because from the time my Grandma died until I was back home visiting my family for the holidays I was not happy. And me not being happy meant, like always, I was constantly thinking how do i get out, get me out, get me out  and planning a hundred different escape routes to other cities spread out across the United States. LA is not the problem. HANNA is the problem, haha. LA has never done anything but give me things that I've always wanted but have never been able to find elsewhere. I was very seriously considering two options: moving back to Buffalo and attempting to take over my Grandma's house, or moving to Denver where I know absolutely no one and just starting over with a blank slate. I LOVE BLANK SLATES. I love starting over. I always have. This does not mean that it's always the necessary or intelligent thing to do. And I will admit I found myself in bed one night, Googling symptoms of panic disorders because I had been feeling so consistently horrible and that day in particular had been plagued with an intense fear of something I couldn't even fucking understand. Google told me to wait a little while longer before doing crazy things, because it takes about 2 months to start feeling relief from the grief of losing a loved one. And almost 2 months to the day after she died, I started feeling better. And we all lived happily ever after.

I'll be honest; it wasn't just Google that told me to wait before making crazy decisions about my life. Leaving you doesn't show up anywhere on my to-do list...

I miss her so much. No matter what, she is in the back of my mind. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about what her hands felt like while I held them in the hospital. Her skin was so soft. And we all commented on that. How did we not notice that before? I wish I would have held her hands every single day. I wonder if dealing with loss ever gets easier. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and even THAT is bizarre to me. I can't imagine being at an age where my friends start dying. If it's just a matter of growing numb to it, then I don't want any part of that. I will gladly be the girl who seems to be more emotional than everyone else, because emotion is free and it's my own and when I feel something, I know I'm feeling it for a reason.

Wednesday morning was the first time that a Starbucks barista has EVER spelled my name correctly on a cup. H-A-N-N-A!

Brady and I talked about it briefly, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to live in the United States forever. Actually I'm not starting to think it, I am DEFINITELY thinking it. In Eat Pray Love (don't you judge me) Julia Roberts sits in a barber shop in Italy, listening to a man tell her that Americans have a psychotic, foolish obsession with work. And that is because we're obsessed with money. And that is because we want "the life" which means getting every extravagant material thing we want the moment we see it. We've labeled all the commercial bullshit "normal" and taught our kids that they need to live life this way as well. Life is so short...why do we put so much desire and emotion into money when there is so much beauty in the world that doesn't cost anything? Or when it is crystal clear that GREED has made America the fat idiot kid in the class?

But back to Eat Pray Love and being obsessed with work. I know I don't love to work, but I AM a productive girl with a great work ethic. But I also know when enough is enough. What I do is not who I am, and I am not my circumstances. Moving to a place like Bali sounds more and more like the right decision every day. Haha I am my father. If you know him, you know why I just said that. Pierce Hill is his Bali, his quiet green masterpiece that is so far removed from the insanity and noise of the world that sometimes when I'm there I forget anything else exists. I want to work to make the world a better place, and when I'm done doing that for the day, I want to be able to hear birds singing and put my arms around someone that I love.

I got myself back and it feels so good

we are standing in the sunlight

There is certainly something special about a new year. It IS just another day, it IS just another minute, just like all those that came before it, and that is reason to celebrate because it's not a second chance, it's a trillionth chance. That's all life is, you know?

Not sure what it was about being home that allowed me to untangle myself from the giant mess I made, but I am grateful that everything happened the way that it did, because here I am, here in LA and feeling like I have a fresh start in every area of my life. It feels GOOD to be feisty with people when they deserve it. It feels GOOD to say adios to ALL of my freelance clients in order to spend some much needed quality time on myself. Maybe that means rebranding hannascott.com until I'm satisfied and want to pick designing back up, and maybe it doesn't. I don't know! I just want to be happy, and feeling overworked 24 hours a day is not going to make me feel that way. I like designing my own things and I like looking at other people's design work, but I don't need the extra cash (that's a lie but I'm telling myself it's not) so there's really no reason for me to give myself stress when I'm supposed to be the one I depend on to melt that stress away!

I think a huge leap of faith is in order for me, but that does NOT mean quitting my job in order to freelance full-time like Bri over at designlovefest (I read her blog religiously). That would just result in me hating design, and I don't ever want to feel that way about something I love so much! I've been thinking that maybe I should get back to my roots, meaning music. I've been looking into giving flute lessons/tutoring in music theory to little kids in the area. How amazing would that be?! I'm really not the biggest fan of kids, but that's only when they're running around screaming like little assholes.

I have put a lot more faith in myself lately than I ever have before. One of the most beautiful things about the relationship I am in is that he has slowly been helping me learn how to analyze why I do things, feel things... I'm finally starting to realize that all of my faith should be in myself because I'm the only one I have total control over, even though having control over other people gives me a boner and I crave it 24 hours a day. I am one of the smartest people I know and there is no reason why I shouldn't be controlling myself, because I've never steered myself wrong. It feels so good to do things that I'm proud of the next day. I have done a lot of very bad things in the past, but they don't seem bad when I'm doing them- just impulsive. I never really realized that until I took a look at how much they messed with my head/heart.

I'm so tired of social media. I even hate those words paired together. I know it's my job, and I will do my job faithfully, but it's exhausting to be that connected to the world all the time. The only time I really like it is when it works in my favor. Like when I tweet at Miles Fisher telling him I have a crush on him and he responds with "not so bad yourself" *SWOON*

It feels good to write this blog post. It feels good to be this specific in a blog post. When I read through old stuff from this site and the last, it's all a bunch of vague fluff that no one would ever care about because they won't understand what the fuck any of it's about. (If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it Hanna!) And I know that I have quite a lot of good things to say, so I had better start being more specific about them.

The sweetest song to sing

Here is something I wrote 6 years ago- http://edible-bubbles.xanga.com/63326935/item/

While I am laughing at it (CELINE DION lyrics!! KYLIE MINOGUE in the currently playing section!!) I am also wondering if maybe it's smarter for me to surround myself with music rather than art like I've been doing for the past few years? It just seemed like I always got more out of music. But maybe that was just because there's more to do with music in school. I doubt I'd be able to find the same recognition/satisfaction from it now. But it's a thought that I should explore more anyway, just because I feel like exploring something :) And high five to 17 year old me, because that "I'm s i n g l e" part of the entry was referencing me breaking up with Joel Clear, LOL

I go home in a few days for a whole week...no funerals/hospitals this time! I am so looking forward to having a night of absolute silliness with Amanda, Ashley Covert, and Karin. With or without alcohol (but lets face it, probably with)

I don't get into many specifics here when it comes to love, dating, etc. Sometimes it's because I know no one will care, sometimes it's because I don't think it needs to be announced to the world, sometimes I don't wanna overwhelm anyone, sometimes I'm too lazy to type about it, haha. Buuuut I'm gonna switch it up and tell the world a few things tonight:

I went on a first date wayyy back in February with Brady, who I had been casually talking to since my birthday a handful of months prior. I wasn't expecting much out of it, even though the chemistry that I had with him did convince me to end the little thing I had with Adam Sorokes because I KNEW it wasn't going to work out no matter how great he was. I spent Valentine's Day laying on the beach and getting to know a really great guy who has seemingly taken up residency in the space inside of me where all the love goes. It has by no means been flawless, but he inspires me and makes me laugh and helps me unwind and is always there for me. It's been a strange few months but I'm glad they happened in the way they did, because it feels really good to know that we can get fucked up and come back stronger. That's the good stuff. He is always a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be dating such a caring and smart person. I am so lucky to be dating my best friend.

...but no, Neil, you will never be replaced.

on love and loss

I'm going to say what I feel, because I have no reason not to.  I think that every minute I spend being honest with the rest of the world helps me feel better.

I feel more confused over my breakup than I do about my Grandma. Grandma passing away was organic and natural and it was meant to happen. She held onto her own life long enough for us to say goodbye and for everyone - including her - to make peace with it. Everyone admitted that even though there is a tremendous sense of loss, it never seemed unfair. Having to say goodbye to what -I- thought was a beautiful, comforting, fun relationship and not truly being able to understand why seems much more difficult to me. I will be the first to admit that I have almost too much love to give when it comes to the opposite sex. My biggest flaw in relationships is expecting everything to always be smooth sailing, because in my own head there's never a reason why it shouldn't be. If there are problems we fix them, if we need space we take it, if we want something we ask for it- it all seems so easy to me.

For the majority of this year I've been with someone who made me feel like I had wings. He is a wonderful man, he is smart and funny and easygoing. He is the best I've ever had in every way possible, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken. I miss him. But the bottom line is that I refuse to feel like an option when I'm so willing to make him a priority. It's been a very shaky, downward spiral of a month. I deserve more, and if he can't give that to me then it has to end.

The truth is, I'm tired of feeling alone. Even though it's a selfish thought. Even though my friends and family are willing to stick by my side through anything (and if the past week hasn't proven that, I don't know what will). Even though I like being single and dedicating all of my time to doing my own things. It's not the same. While figuring so much of myself out in the midst of everything with Grandma, I realized that the biggest change I've undergone is the one that has made me truly want to be happy with someone, when I previously couldn't pull my head out of my own ass long enough to let that happen.

I know what I want.


//EDIT Had such a great conversation and am feeling better about all of it. Just all of it. Thank you life :)

wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace

I've heard a lot of odd tactics to combat stress when you're sinking in it, but perhaps the best was a friend that told me to just focus on color. Maybe he does it differently, but I took that to mean ignoring the purpose, shape, and size of everything and only see the colors that exist, nothing else. It's tough to shut down like that and only focus on one thing at a time, but when I'm able to do it I can feel my mood lift almost instantly. Color always makes me happy anyway; I can look at the color of a lush, freshly cut deep green lawn in the summer and feel so happy that I can't even contain it- it's almost like I'm soaking up the health of the grass and getting all juiced up on it lol. I look at deep pinks and feel warm and content. I think color affects some people a little more than others, just like anything else in the world, but that little suggestion has completely changed some of my worst days.

Going home for the first time in over 6 months tomorrow night- I'll only have 3 days to spend with my family and that's NOT enough. What can I really do about it? Most of my friends in LA have been here their entire lives, so their families are here too. It's the one thing that bothers me regularly, and there's no way for me to fix it. I'm still excited! This has been the longest I've gone without being on a plane in about 2 and a half years. What a weird thought

(they didn't have you where i come from, never knew the best was yet to come)

Evi, who is one of the best people I know by the way, has been finding all these articles on being introverted and posting them online. She posted this one (read!) a few days ago. There are some sentences in this that are so scarily similar to things I've felt and written myself that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief after reading it. Everything is me; thriving on reflection and alone time, feeling depleted by too much social engagement, exercising not for the workout but for the time alone with my own thoughts, feeling inadequate in the workplace because the phrase "throw some ideas at me" isn't how I work through things in my head. These 2 sections in particular struck a chord:

"An introvert who is silent in a group may actually be quite engaged—taking in what is said, thinking about it, waiting for a turn to speak—but will be seen in the U.S. as a poor communicator."

"Hardest was feeling judged—and judging herself—for how she was wired. Others would nudge her: 'Just say what you think.' Being reflective was not appreciated or encouraged."

My boyfriend is like a puppy (An incredible, brilliant, generous, gorgeous puppy lol). He is always jumping around, being friendly, talking to everyone within 20 feet, trying to understand everything. This is the single major difference between us and it's very apparent. We're both 100% able to keep ourselves happy almost all the time, but the routes we take to get there are drastically different. I'm an active person, but I'd rather sit still and recharge. I'm a very friendly person, and around some people I'm REALLY outgoing, but I hate small talk and I usually only speak when I feel like what I'm going to say will be appreciated. I of course want to understand everything too, but instead of jumping in and asking questions, I learn more by sitting back and observing. I love him and I would not change a single hair on his head, but the differences in the way we act are hilarious to me.

I think the crazy side of me magically appears when I feel like I'm truly understood. And that feeling either pops up immediately after meeting someone (my coworker Justin for example, has witnessed it from day 1 because I sensed in our 1st meeting that we were very very similar) or it will take a long, LONG time to work up to. The guys in the machine room at CBS always see me at my craziest for some reason- prime example would be today when Jesse and I had a loud obnoxious dance party to Big & Chunky in front of people I've never met in my life. Being reassured that it's OK to "let loose" and being asked to be crazy are both automatic turnoffs. It's offensive to me because I AM silly and ridiculous and me not displaying that for someone by no means gives them the right to ask for it. It's difficult to explain properly but that's the best I can do. The trouble with feeling that way is that the rest of the world seems to think that I need to be coaxed into being extroverted and all that will ever do is make me retreat deeper. People can run circles around me and yell at me and beg me to get crazy, and I think to myself, "if you knew me at all you'd know that if you never prompted me for it, it would likely appear on its own one day." The people that I keep in my life are the ones that have picked up on that.

Have you heard Joan Osborne's (circa 1992 or something) cover of Dylan's "Man In The Long Black Coat?" If you haven't, do yourself the favor. That song is fucking amazing.

i'da danced like the queen of the eyesores and the rest of our lives woulda fared well

I should probably stop this argument with myself in which one side insists that I'm just having a lucky streak and the other insists that I'm really doing something right. I KNOW that I'm doing something right. I've never tried so hard to be a good person in my entire life. I want to do things that make other people happy and I want to do things that makes the world a better place. I feel like my heart has grown ten sizes in the past year. I'm thinking things through before I do them and I'm not letting anything bother me unless I've given it the authority to do so (and let me tell you how small that authorized list is...)

Without jinxing myself or sharing too much too soon, I need to say that today went very well.

I want to fall asleep with you every night until the end of time. You are magic.

two's a perfect number, but one, well...

I've never seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind until tonight. It's normally so difficult to get me to sit through a movie, but I found myself putting down my computer, closing the door on my brain, and ignoring the little red blinking light on my phone because it's one of those movies that makes you think a whole fuck of a lot more about what's really important and what human beings are doing to themselves.

Tonight I heard someone describe their reasons for marrying someone and it scared me. Why are we getting married just because there's pressure and we think it's "the natural next step" and then telling the world that perfection doesn't exist? It will never exist if you never give it a chance. We're all so impatient...we can't wait to find someone, can't wait to be sure we love them before we say it, can't wait to get married because of generic "norms" in the world, and as soon as we get hurt, we will do anything to remove that hurt from our hearts.

How many of us would take full advantage of a memory-removing system if it existed? I am so very confident that I would be the person taking it upon myself to save those discarded memories of beautiful people and deliver them right back to the people that were cowardly enough to try and throw an entire existence in the garbage.

I've outgrown any sort of tolerance for volatile and selfish people. Overexposure just did me in; it's like a song you hate that gets overplayed on every radio station. I try so hard to find something to like in everyone I meet, and that is something that has taken me a very long time to want to do. Sometimes though, it's so easy to feel satisfaction when someone gets what's coming to them, and so easy to ignore the people that just don't seem to get it.

My dad sent me 2 links in an email yesterday (here and here). I identify more with the first, but the second holds a lot of truth. We're always running around like chickens with our heads cut off, doing things that don't really matter.

There is a popular quote that I've always liked that says "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." I always found it extra useful, both for realizing which things need to change and which can stay just as sweet as they are. I love change, so if I witness an area of my life that needs it, I don't need to be told. I know. And (especially lately) making me feel like my own decisions/things/space/time are even a little threatened is a dangerous road to walk down because I have so little that is my own.

throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll, the answer they reveal: life is unreal

I'm too lazy to come up with a french title for this one. Blogging shouldn't be work, it should be enjoyment! I don't know why I always make them french anyway.

Today is fathers day. My mom took my dad out for lunch at Don Lucho's (and he just discovered we've all been pronouncing "Don" wrong for years) and I caught him on the phone just as he was getting home. It's a pretty gorgeous day in NY today if the photos my best friend is sending me are up-to-date, so I'm pretty sure when we got off the phone he pulled a typical Papa Scott move and put the music on a little louder so he could hear it from the hammock.

I'm doing the same thing today; we just have to replace the hammock with this blog :-P

I've felt a little on edge lately, and that's the main ingredient in the recipe for an unhappy Hanna. I'm not unhappy, but I've walking a thin line. I had a rough couple of weeks that I'm fiiiinaaaalllllly starting to unwind from. Work is probably never going to be truly relaxing (it's work, after all) but I am certainly not as on edge as I was a month ago. I get to do so many amazing things with this job, I'd be silly to ever second guess my place there because I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing. The only other job I think I'd be happier with is one that allowed me to run around the woods and play with animals all day, and those are pretty hard to come by in Los Angeles, sooooo....

I have a friend named Vanessa that is VERY smart, especially with science, and she makes me want to go back to school for biology and completely start my life over and do something crazy like studying plant life in the Congo or something. She makes me want to be smarter about the most important things in life. There's a quote that I saw yesterday that went something like "Humans are on this earth to shit and fuck, and if your job is not to help humans shit or fuck, you're not doing anything that important" I laughed, but it's pretty true. I want to do something important that really makes the world a more beautiful place.

I briefly thought something was wrong this week, in an area unrelated to work, and when I found out I was just being silly it occurred to me that maybe I've finally encountered someone that I can truly be at ease around. And I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever said that and meant it. This is a good, good thing.

Good things happening, all around.

juin, juillet, août

It's practically summer?

Why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that summer exists outside of 3013 PHR? For some reason, even in a place where it's beautiful all the time like it is here, it's only truly summer when I am in the woods and there is nothing around me except for trees. I have very vivid memories of summer trips, NYC especially, but they don't have that very particular feeling of summer attached to them. It just doesn't feel like summer here, it feels like it always feels and that's it. It's not a bad thing at all, I obviously love pretty weather, I think my body is just confused by it.

Western NY summers are always better inside my imagination anyway lol. When it's sunny it's a 90 degree humid mess, and when it's not a 90 degree humid mess it's raining so hard that it washes away my parents driveway. Even being fully aware of that fact, I still crave it. I'm jealous that they have thunderstorms.

I'm super fascinated with how other people set up their iTunes. Mike, for example, deletes all album info and just keeps a massive list of Song Title + Artist Name. His playlists are all specific artists for the most part. iTunes is (very ironically) probably the one and only thing in my life that I don't organize. There are huge amounts of Unknown Albums and mismatched genres and Track 02s and 3 different listings of JJ Cale because his name is spelled with and without periods in his initials. The music is so important to me that I can't focus on anything else except for the sound. My playlists are organized by mood and task and weather and date. Every summer from 2005 onward has its own playlist, and all the summers before get sort of hazy so they're just lumped together in a "high school" playlist. My parents also have their own playlists; my dad because he is the #1 inspiration for my music taste and most of my iTunes library is all stuff that I grew up with. My mom has one because she lets me decide what music goes on her little iPod shuffle, and she says I've never put anything on it that she doesn't like. She's easy to please with music, or maybe I just know her way too well.

It's sad that it had to come from her being laid off, but I can call my mom on my way to work every morning and it puts both of us in an amazing mood. She's such a beautiful person and I'm so tired of watching both of my parents struggle with bad things that are out of their control. I used to think that there wasn't much I could do being 3,000 miles away but now I am very certain it's the opposite. Sometimes I call her in the morning and she's crying because she's so stressed out, and by the end of my 30 minute commute we're both laughing and she's telling me I'm the only person in the world that truly understands her.

It could be any number of things, but something is making me love people so much more lately. I want to devote more of my time to showing the people that I love how amazing I think they are. Even things that I usually am not so impressed with (lets say children for example hahaha) are striking a certain chord inside of me. I was walking up Robertson on Thursday morning and saw a little girl swinging around on a parking meter that her mother was putting change in, and when a delivery man pulled a dolly stacked with boxes up over the curb and onto the sidewalk the girl stopped, looked at the delivery man and asked him, "ISN'T THAT HEAVY? ARE YOU OKAY?" And the concerned look on her face made me smile for the rest of the day.

I've always had a really hard time truly being myself around people. It's not to say I'm fake, I'm not. I just keep a lot hidden because I'm for some stupid reason very scared that I'm going to be judged for the things I love. I don't know why that is, but I think that fear is starting to disappear. Maybe not with everyone, but with a few people. One in particular, and that's very important.

My weekend was very relaxing

got you where I want you

I'm so thankful to have a switch inside of me that flicks on when I've had enough darkness to remind me that I'm here for a short while and everything around me is beautiful and temporary. Today is an easy, clear blue day and I feel satisfied being here even without an apartment, without my family and best friend, without a lot of things (but WITH a blowdryer and straightener and other assorted hanna-things thanks to the 2 big boxes from Pierce Hill).

I try to stay pretty secretive about any bad things in my life. Not because anyone's asking me to or I feel like I'm obligated to, just because it's how I DO. My friend Ravi told me the other day that I seem like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, and that is such a cool compliment to receive. I don't know if I'd go as far as to say that I've never been happier, but I do feel so thankful that I'm here enjoying my life in my own way and doing something new every day. I think now I understand why there are so many old people in Franklinville haha...it's a place that you go when you've done what you want to do and you're OK with small-town relativity and routine.

Do you think there are certain types of people that are more likely to lose their sense of hope and faith in life as they get older? Or is there maybe a certain age that it starts at? It seems like so many people I know in their late 20s get this random "I'm so old, once you're this old you'll understand why we start losing hope" thing goin on. Honestly you're 26-29, shut up. You're not 80. At this exact moment, this exact second in time, I feel like I will never lose the overwhelming sense that people truly are good at heart.

I might have found an apartment. THE apartment. On the most gorgeous tree-lined street with a really pretty path lined with gardens on both sides, up to an apartment thats the perfect size with a really chill guy that needs a roommate. And it's not even a half mile from work. Tell me this is possible, tell me this is possible, tell me this is possible.... I haven't needed something so much in such a long time.

I think I'm going to go lay in the grass after work...whether Mr. Furnari graces me with his presence or not =)

you might as well get what you want

Do you think there comes a point where playing games is OK? Sometimes I think it's fun, but usually after a week or two my heart gets tired, my brain runs out of ideas, and I just give in. I wouldn't want anyone playing with my heart, so I don't play with theirs (intentionally), even if they don't deserve that kind of consideration. I always talk myself out of bad things, but not before I've dipped my toes in the water to test it out. Why do I always take the chances that hurt me while the safer opportunities go untouched?

Sometimes I step back and analyze the way my life has taken shape so far and I can't help but wonder if I play little to no role in the decisions I'm supposedly making. I don't think I ever truly think things through. How did I get to California and get a full time job? I barely thought about that decision before I said yes. What is it in me that makes these decisions for me, knowing that even if it's not easy, it will always turn out OK? And WHY can't I apply it to all aspects of my life? WHY can't I pass it onto someone else when they need it? WHY can't I ever make a simple decision on my own using logic instead of honestly thinking, "my first instinct was to go with a burger for dinner instead of italian, so I think it's destiny telling me to eat this Whopper..."

San Francisco was the best. I spent the day with Nate and the band, wandering around and drinking for free and checking out all the different types of creatures that come out of the woodwork for the festival scene. (Exhibits un and deux: a chick with a tail, and some lady walking around with a duck on a leash...sidenote: ducks don't like being on leashes)

We had on artists passes so we pretty much had free reign the whole day and night, hence the backstage shot I got from the Wilco set (yyyyyeeesssssss...I'm too lazy to post all my pictures, they're all up here). Considering it was the first one of its kind, it was pretty well organized, and very colorful (exhibit trois: the booze tent in the artists area). Grace and the boys played an amazing set. I can't believe almost 9 fricken months has gone by since the last time I saw them play. What have I been doing with my life...? Not having the kind of fun I want to, that's for sure. It was a pretty good turnout. Someone said that there were about 8000 people there for the GPN set, which was their biggest festival turnout ever. Every time I see them live there are more people dancing. This was a really great crowd: really responsive and happy. And REALLY on-key. They sang part of a song back to Grace at one point and it was like a real chorus. I love when random shit sends chills up your spine. ALSO! Standing right next to me for the earlier portion of the set was a man in a Franklinville Panthers shirt! What are the odds of that? He went to Franklinville but graduated way earlier than I did. Not the point! It made me feel like San Francisco was a Good Place To Be. Bobby, the new tour manager, is HILARIOUS and so much fun to be around. And what better way to spend the day than exploring a city you've ALWAYS wanted to go to with one of your favorite bands? Life is awfully good to me sometimes.

All the time, actually. My red-eye flight back to the woods leaves tomorrow night. Cannot wait to throw my arms around my best friend and my parents...and snuggle with my kitty...and dance...and breathe Franklinville in again in general =)

put it in the pantry with your cupcakes

What do you suppose happens when something makes you feel so comfortable and so happy, in a place where without this certain thing you would feel totally alone? You naturally let yourself get attached. I've been wondering lately if the thing I've let myself get attached to is something I would want if I had the rest of my life here with me, and unfortunately the answer is yes. Not so unfortunate in the grand scheme of things, but mildy hurtful on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes things just sneak up on you...

I made last-minute travel plans to go see the band play at Outside Lands in San Francisco on Sunday. I'm so excited. I need a day away from LA and my own brain, and the company I'll be keeping is great. Plus, I remember booking imaginary flights to San Fran when I was younger and praying that one day I'd get to go because I wanted to see it soooo badly (blame it on Full House hahaaaaaa). I like when wishes I had when I was little come true, it's the most satisfying feeling in the world. Though, my 8th grade self wanted a lime green Mazda Miata, and I'm happy to report that I'll be OK if that one never actually happens.

What would Franklinville think if she knew how much I've already fallen for this place? Photo of the day: Pierce Hill, between the Allegany River and rt16. I've been extra into photography lately. Maybe it's because there's so much stuff around me that I've never seen before, or maybe LA brings out the creative side of me? Either way, I'm glad I have my camera with me (though I just realized I left it in my desk drawer at the office, FUCK. I guess I had to go back there to grab my bike tomorrow anyway...) so I can document all the weird things happening to me lately.

I should probably go to bed...I'm completely exhausted and I know this is my only chance to get 8+ hours of good sleep since the next week and a half will be so crazy. I feel better writing even if I said absolutely nothing. That's the whole purpose of a blog, no?

xo