two's a perfect number, but one, well...

I've never seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind until tonight. It's normally so difficult to get me to sit through a movie, but I found myself putting down my computer, closing the door on my brain, and ignoring the little red blinking light on my phone because it's one of those movies that makes you think a whole fuck of a lot more about what's really important and what human beings are doing to themselves.

Tonight I heard someone describe their reasons for marrying someone and it scared me. Why are we getting married just because there's pressure and we think it's "the natural next step" and then telling the world that perfection doesn't exist? It will never exist if you never give it a chance. We're all so impatient...we can't wait to find someone, can't wait to be sure we love them before we say it, can't wait to get married because of generic "norms" in the world, and as soon as we get hurt, we will do anything to remove that hurt from our hearts.

How many of us would take full advantage of a memory-removing system if it existed? I am so very confident that I would be the person taking it upon myself to save those discarded memories of beautiful people and deliver them right back to the people that were cowardly enough to try and throw an entire existence in the garbage.

I've outgrown any sort of tolerance for volatile and selfish people. Overexposure just did me in; it's like a song you hate that gets overplayed on every radio station. I try so hard to find something to like in everyone I meet, and that is something that has taken me a very long time to want to do. Sometimes though, it's so easy to feel satisfaction when someone gets what's coming to them, and so easy to ignore the people that just don't seem to get it.

My dad sent me 2 links in an email yesterday (here and here). I identify more with the first, but the second holds a lot of truth. We're always running around like chickens with our heads cut off, doing things that don't really matter.

There is a popular quote that I've always liked that says "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." I always found it extra useful, both for realizing which things need to change and which can stay just as sweet as they are. I love change, so if I witness an area of my life that needs it, I don't need to be told. I know. And (especially lately) making me feel like my own decisions/things/space/time are even a little threatened is a dangerous road to walk down because I have so little that is my own.

l'instinct fondamental

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life and wondered if you'd feel the same way for the rest of it? Variations would still exist of course, but in general, you might be guaranteed to feel the same. Are we programmed to feel a certain way forever because of our outlooks on life or our genetics or our upbringing, or is there one specific condition or event in everyone's life that, if it occurs, will shake us to our cores and make us skeptical or bitter from that moment on?

I've wondered lately, what it is that makes some of us so much more inclined to live happy lives despite any hardships that pop up? I know people that aren't phased by problems, and I also know people that make problems out of things that don't matter just to have something to talk about. There is a quote that says something along the lines of "small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas." I discuss a lot of events and there are of course people involved, but that's where all of my ideas come from.

I was in an odd situation earlier this week, in which I had no choice but to be around a group of people that had absolutely evil things to say about practically everyone that they knew. I'm sure they had things to say about me when I walked away, mainly "Why is she so quiet? Why did she look so awkward?" It takes SO MUCH to make me feel that way, but let me tell you- I felt completely out of place. It's a disappointing realization to come to, but sometimes not having something bad to say makes me the minority.

I always have a lot to say, really. If not in person, definitely in writing. But I'd like to think I've grown out of the phase where talking about other people was the only way I felt like I could fit in. I wake up every day thankful for the life I lead and the tremendous hearts of the people in it, and that gives me no reason to talk badly about anyone. I only feel the need to talk about it here because I somehow forgot that there are people out there like that...I'm so used to the incredible people in my life that I actually forgot any other sort of person existed and was surprised when I witnessed it this week. But if it's possible for me to forget that sort of thing exists, it's definitely nothing to complain about.

Ho Ho HOEBAG

I'm in a stoooore and I'm singggiiiiiing!

75 mph wind gusts in cheery Buffalo NY today...that's hurricane status folks. The uprights at the Bills game were bending, lol.

This has been a wonderful, busy, stressful vacation back to my happy little life in the woods. The night that I flew in Amanda came over and we spent hours reading old online journals (from 11th/12th grade ...i'm such a blogging whizkid, watch out) and laughed ourselves SICK.

My life has changed so much and so many people have popped in and out in the 5 years since I wrote in that blog. But remarkably enough, reading through all that nonsense I realized that I have not changed very much. I'm about 150% less dramatic, and I don't get into fights in the chorus room. Other than that I'm still 17 year old Hanna running around hating boys, not giving herself enough credit when it's needed, and giving herself TOO much credit when it's not.

My Uncle Jim is at ECMC in the trauma unit, and has been since a week ago. He missed Christmas and is in a drug-induced coma. He had a bad stroke and fell down my Grandma's basement stairs. Now there's a tube coming out of his brain to drain any fluid, and he had to have a tracheotomy to remove all the fluid from his chest/throat because he had pneumonia. I'm not close to him; he's a Vietnam veteran and has since turned crazy and dangerous. He never had a wife or children. He used to really hurt my mom and aunts and I'm not even sure if he knows he did it. But it poses a problem for about 6 different reasons:
1-- My grandma is hopeful. And in all honesty....she shouldn't be because he probably is going to die soon. But how can you possibly tell a mother not to hope for the best for her son? You can't.
2-- My grandma is going to the hospital every day to visit but no one wants her driving around Buffalo by herself, so Aunt Holly has been taking her. Every day. And she's been staying with her too, which is incredibly stressful for both of them.
3-- My mom feels guilty for not being able to help because she's in Franklinville and this is going on an hour/hour and a half away, but is having a hard time deciding what to feel because this is a man that she had almost completely removed from her life because he hurt her so much and so frequently.
4-- They didn't expect him to make it through the initial surgery to drain fluid on his brain. But he did. Now, he's not taking in food, even through a tube, and they don't know if he can breathe on his own. And they say it may be 6 months before they see a change. This is going to go on for 6 months??? It's a very scary thought and is going to be so, so hard on my family.
5-- Even if he does make it out alive...he's likely going to be a vegetable. And my Grandma has a heart of gold but just cannot take care of him 24/7. She's not eating as it is. And none of us can afford it/have room/have a schedule that permits us to take him in. And I'm not sure anyone except Grandma would want to anyway. I know it sounds harsh but I'm talking about some very serious, scary, bad things that this man has done. He's not alright.
6-- This is already a very hard time on my Mom's side of the family, because my Grandpa died on my Aunt Holly's birthday (the day after christmas) a long time ago. Grandma has already had to say goodbye to her husband and one of her sons, and now there's another member of the family that's headed down that road.

Very stressful. I'm just trying to listen to my Mom when she seems like she needs to talk, because I don't know what else to do. My dad's not really the listening kind...I am just so thankful that I could come home while this was going on and give her someone to count on because she truly needs it.

Enough sadness. Christmas night I went to OB's and saw a ton of Franklinville people that I haven't seen in a long time. I love celebrating in my hometown! Friday I went to JBs and did some serious dancing (and so did Adam, hahahahahahahhaha). Saturday I ended up going out to eat with Missy and Franny and then headed to Cojones Cantina in Olean. There was an absolutely FANTASTIC two-man band covering Steely Dan and Pink Floyd and Steve Winwood and others...it was truly one of the best live acts I've ever gone to see. Who would've thought it would be in Olean?

Can I just say how ECSTATIC I AM that I will be back in NY for my Dad's 50th bday, my Mom's bday, Maple Festival, springtime in general, Thursday at the Square, ugh. I have such an incredible amount of stuff to look forward to. I told a good portion of my family that I was moving home today, and instead of being disappointed that I'm not sticking it out longer or worried about me going home to a bad job market, they are just so excited to see me happy and back to my normal self. I feel awesome.

And...I cancelled my New Years Eve flights to see GPN play in Vermont. Lets just say....something came up =)

when you feel your heart overflow

Oh, the state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed
that the light of my life
would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
just to beam on you and I

I feel like life opened up last night! Had a conversation with the bossmen that I had wanted to have for over a month but just couldn't bring myself to do because I kept thinking "I just need to get past this week and then I'll feel better and won't want to bring it up anymore." WRONG!

wrong wrong wrong Hanna!

I was wrong. I relied on the arrogant assumption that I was unbreakable for the first 21 years of my life, and then met my match. I am most certainly NOT invincible. For me, it took a ballsy and hasty move 3,000 miles away to realize I was being an idiot. And I must say, I hope you don't ever have to feel the way I've felt throughout my realization of it. I know it has been incredibly hard to listen to me, but you all did (over and over) and I am saying THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Especially Franklinvillies/Fredonians that stayed up late with me, bought plane tickets to come see me, texted me every day to make sure I was doing fine, and mailed me totally pointless cards once I had an actual address. I will never meet another group of people like you.

No more beating-around-the-bush, I'm MOVING HOME IN MARCH! I celebrated last night and felt totally giddy. And met a man at the bar from Buffalo (I was introduced to him as, "a bigger bills fan than him" which is so untrue, but whatever haha) that hugged me and kissed me and said, "I've never met anyone here that was as awesome as the people I know from Buffalo." There is some sort of weird alliance that Western NY forms. Haha we get picked on for being poor and ugly and cold and WE LIKE IT. And you know why? Because we have Mighty Taco.

My mother is so excited she can't even handle it.

Possibilities on where to go and what to do are very wide open right now and it feels great! Buffalo is not the plan forever, but will be the immediate solution. Laura and I are going to move in together, we already started looking at apartments. Did you know that for half of what I pay now, I could rent a 3 bedroom house on a residential street? How AWESOME IS THAT. Especially cause I'll probably be flipping burgers to make a living for the next year cause Buffalooove has a terrible job market HAHAHAHA. Not really. I'll just live in a box on the street.


Life is back to being p e r f e c t =)

MP3 [Spin Doctors - Jimmy Olsen's Blues]

just watchin my multiple video uploads at work haha...

*whole lot of stuff needed to be deleted. sorry!*

The trip to Boston & NYC was a breath of fresh air. I took one step outside of the airport in Boston and felt like a new person. Who would have thought that cold, dreary weather would make me the happiest little girl on the planet? Haha it's funny how you miss things you used to dislike. And even more funny that I felt more at home for those 5 days sleeping on guest beds and couches than I ever have here with my own apartment and belongings.

It was good to see Scott. I love that there are people in my life that I can go over a year without seeing and then fall right back into place with like it's been a few days. I hadn't seen Joey since early May before I left Fredonia but the same goes for him. I missed him. I had a good time roaming around the city and talking about absolutely nothing. And Boston, from the tiny piece that I saw, is fuckin awesome. I want to go back ASAP and explore.



I bought my flight home as soon as I got back to LA; I get into Buffalo on the 23rd at 5pm. My mom was ECSTATIC to know she could pick me up from the airport, it was so cute. The other day I got home and she had FedExed me Christmas cookies. If that's not love...

MP3: [Fleet Foxes - Ragged Wood]
-still not over them after my last post

When you're truly alone, you find the strongest people to lean on

revoluti0n no9 (7:01:43 PM): do you remember daniel or derrick lockwood?
AddyJoeyMilly (7:01:56 PM): yes...and i heard the story
revoluti0n no9 (7:02:03 PM): its sad
AddyJoeyMilly (7:02:11 PM): yeah i know...crazy how things happen
revoluti0n no9 (7:02:42 PM): not smart at all and could have been prevented, but i can't even imagine how his brother must feel...i dont know if i could live with that, accidental or not
AddyJoeyMilly (7:03:27 PM): thats very true...if i did that to one of my brothers...its like how would the rest of the family judge me...or friends anyone ya know
revoluti0n no9 (7:04:27 PM): i dont think i would ever be able to look in a mirror again...its not that he should be ashamed, it just has got to be the most painful thing in the world to know you're responsible for one of the people you're closest to being gone forever
AddyJoeyMilly (7:04:43 PM): this convo is making me very sad
AddyJoeyMilly (7:04:44 PM): weird
revoluti0n no9 (7:05:41 PM): yeah it really mademe sad today too, it made me tear up when my mom told me....just because its not like they ever had much to be happy about ya know? they didnt have the best life laid out for them and had next to nothing
revoluti0n no9 (7:06:25 PM): its like...when you look back at your life and you realize how little you had or have and then have to deal with some overwhelming sadness on top of it, its just incredibly unsettling
AddyJoeyMilly (7:07:30 PM): i don't know how to respond to that...you pretty much hit the point right there
AddyJoeyMilly (7:08:26 PM): i wonder where/when the wake is...maybe i'll make an appearance cuz i did use to talk to them in high school from time to time...maybe bring cj and some others to show people care ya know
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:14 PM): its like they deserved better the whole time, even if they personally enver did anything to get there...i think theres actually more to be said about people that settle, because they're able to be happy with nothing...and most people can't do that
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:34 PM): i think my parents are gonna go with the burke family
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:40 PM): ugh
AddyJoeyMilly (7:09:53 PM): if you hear when the things are...please let me know asap
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:01 PM): i will
AddyJoeyMilly (7:10:05 PM): maybe its in todays paper?
AddyJoeyMilly (7:10:11 PM): i picked it up but didn't look in it yet
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:21 PM): i really dont know why it makes me so sad, i wasn't close to them, it just really is not sitting well
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:38 PM): it might be
AddyJoeyMilly (7:11:06 PM): well i can't relate but imagining being in their shoes...gets to me just by itself...and even though its cliche...the community of franklinville really does back each other up in ways like that
revoluti0n no9 (7:11:39 PM): i know...everyone really does die famous in a small town
AddyJoeyMilly (7:11:50 PM): Miranda Lambert
revoluti0n no9 (7:11:52 PM): its comforting to know that no matter who you are, people will remember you
AddyJoeyMilly (7:12:00 PM): its very true


(story)

Ever wonder how I can miss such a shitty small town with nothing to offer SO much that it hurts to breathe? There's your answer...

still fly

Every single memory I have from being a really young kid involved music except for one instance when I was sitting on my bed screaming because there was a bee in my room. I've always leaned towards the theory that when you grow up you should end up doing whatever you loved to do most when you were a kid. I'm getting there... I haven't changed all that much really. I like that.

I am not a drama queen. I do tend to walk into colorful situations in life, and I meet interesting people and hold onto them. But I don't think any of it, when mixed with my own personality, creates a problem. I am me and that's all I can offer. I'm an open book, and I think by now people should know me well enough to know that once you make me feel like an object instead of a person....you generally lose me.

The problem is that I've given out second chances before thinking it was situational and could be altered. And I'm wrong. I'm wrong in my initial impression, I'm wrong in the actions I take, I'm wrong in my second judgement, I'm wrong to be hurt. Even when I'm right, I'm still wrong.

I think Wednesday night sparked something in me. A little bit of life for me here that I had been trying to find but couldn't; a part that let me have an amazing night seeing my favorite band regardless of homesickness, regardless of my location, regardless of my headache or the fact that Zoe locked herself out of her apartment and didn't bring her ID lol, regardless of a lot of things. I just felt alive and amazing and like myself for the first time since I moved here, and I made the most of it by doing what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. And it felt fuckin great. I think my problem is that I try pleasing people that don't really deserve that kind of attention from me, and once I stop trying to please them because I realize nothing will ever work...they wonder what my problem is haha.

My problem is that I'm in California trying to please other people when all I'd need to do to be happy is do whatever I want, because I have that freedom but for some reason decided NOT to take advantage of it for the past 3 months. No more. I feel free and open and honest, and it's solely because I noticed that what had a weird hold on me before finally let go.

I'm entirely thankful for Zoe. I have finally met someone here who would drop everything to come somewhere she didn't want to go to just because she knew I needed a friend. THAT is the kind of quality in a friend that I'm used to...it's a good thing to have.

MP3 [Sebastien Tellier - Look]