think twice

“Mama used to roll her hair, back before the central air. We’d sit outside and watch the stars at night. She’d tell me to make a wish, and I’d wish we both could fly. Don’t think she’s seen the sky, since we got the satellite dish”–James McMurtry, Levelland


February is a friendlier month than January, but January felt just fine this time.



I am looking for new opportunities in almost all areas of my life. I want to grow. I want to go on adventures. I'm tired of living but not LIVING. The whole issue has been fairly relevant in my life lately but slapped me across the face on Friday night, when I watched Grace Potter & the Nocturnals take the stage for the first time in so long, and all that love and memory and sense of life that I felt when I was in the thick of it flooded right back to me and made me feel SO. AMAZING. There should be endless amounts of that feeling in my life, and instead I find there's barely any at all. I'm confused when it seems like I need to seek it out because my whole life, that has always sought ME out.

I'm not a big Valentine's Day person. I don't really like getting gifts for it (save some springy happy flowers, which are always welcome...hint hint! haha) but this year it will mean 3 things:

01. I get to see my best friend, who is flying out that night!!!!!
02. We have spent a year together. A Year is a long time for both of us. A year is a long time in general. But what does time matter, really? All that matters is desire. Everything else seems like just minor details. We are two drops in the ocean...
03. I have made it practically a year in this place: the place I SWORE I would not come back to. I didn't even make it 9 months in 2008! By this time last year I had already made up my mind that I'd make it work. And I did. Because I did it the way I WANTED to do it this time, instead of feeling rushed and pressured and unprepared.

I leave you with song lyrics, even though that is not a typical Hanna thing to do. Especially since the song is done to death.

I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk
but you are the only exception

still fly

Every single memory I have from being a really young kid involved music except for one instance when I was sitting on my bed screaming because there was a bee in my room. I've always leaned towards the theory that when you grow up you should end up doing whatever you loved to do most when you were a kid. I'm getting there... I haven't changed all that much really. I like that.

I am not a drama queen. I do tend to walk into colorful situations in life, and I meet interesting people and hold onto them. But I don't think any of it, when mixed with my own personality, creates a problem. I am me and that's all I can offer. I'm an open book, and I think by now people should know me well enough to know that once you make me feel like an object instead of a person....you generally lose me.

The problem is that I've given out second chances before thinking it was situational and could be altered. And I'm wrong. I'm wrong in my initial impression, I'm wrong in the actions I take, I'm wrong in my second judgement, I'm wrong to be hurt. Even when I'm right, I'm still wrong.

I think Wednesday night sparked something in me. A little bit of life for me here that I had been trying to find but couldn't; a part that let me have an amazing night seeing my favorite band regardless of homesickness, regardless of my location, regardless of my headache or the fact that Zoe locked herself out of her apartment and didn't bring her ID lol, regardless of a lot of things. I just felt alive and amazing and like myself for the first time since I moved here, and I made the most of it by doing what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. And it felt fuckin great. I think my problem is that I try pleasing people that don't really deserve that kind of attention from me, and once I stop trying to please them because I realize nothing will ever work...they wonder what my problem is haha.

My problem is that I'm in California trying to please other people when all I'd need to do to be happy is do whatever I want, because I have that freedom but for some reason decided NOT to take advantage of it for the past 3 months. No more. I feel free and open and honest, and it's solely because I noticed that what had a weird hold on me before finally let go.

I'm entirely thankful for Zoe. I have finally met someone here who would drop everything to come somewhere she didn't want to go to just because she knew I needed a friend. THAT is the kind of quality in a friend that I'm used to...it's a good thing to have.

MP3 [Sebastien Tellier - Look]

days falling backward into velvet night

That is the view from outside my bedroom facing North-ish. Not bad when you can see the mountains from your room, right? It doesn't even really look like Los Angeles, it looks like some little ski village in the summer with random palm trees thrown in. I like that view...I never really noticed it until this past weekend. I think knowing I can see something that's not the city makes me feel better.

Maybe it was the convo in the 99 cent store parking lot a few nights ago. Maybe I whined and cried and got angry and finally got it all out of my system. Or maybe I'm just at a high point, but I'm able to forget what was bothering me for the last week and it couldn't have come at a better time.

I have to start focusing on the good or else I'm going to get trapped in this sprawling mess of the southwest and never be able to climb out and onto something even better. I figured the only way to do that is to split up the task into 2 parts: bringing home here and exploring this place. So I bought a Buffalo Sabres shirt and a plant (momma likes gardening). And explored all day Saturday and part of Sunday, and I truly feel better about my life already. Not completely, but it's a start, and a start is what I need.

There are days when I feel like I could accomplish anything. Adam told me the other night that I'm someone to get nervous about because I'm known for doing anything I set my mind to. I look at that as more of a lucky situation, but maybe I should start thinking otherwise because as much as it may be luck and things fall into place for me easily, I have to be willing to take huge risks for that to happen by following my gut. I really have followed it everywhere its taken me thus far and it's never failed me. And that includes Los Angeles...so why am I assuming I would lead myself wrong when I'm smarter than that and always have been? There is something here for me, I just have to find it. The problem is that I stupidly thought that I found it the first night I moved here, got comfortable with that feeling very fast, and got knocked on my ass. I open up a lot more than I give myself credit for.

The truth is--I'm pretty much an open book, but I expect everyone here to care as much as small town people always have and will continue to, and sometimes they just don't. And as much as you want to argue that, it's the truth. That's OK, because I'll find what I'm looking for eventually.

A song that reminds me of Los Angeles: [Luna - Broken Chair]
A song that reminds me of Buffalo: [Grace Potter and the Nocturnals @ Thursday at the Square 7/5/07 - Apologies]

you might as well get what you want

Do you think there comes a point where playing games is OK? Sometimes I think it's fun, but usually after a week or two my heart gets tired, my brain runs out of ideas, and I just give in. I wouldn't want anyone playing with my heart, so I don't play with theirs (intentionally), even if they don't deserve that kind of consideration. I always talk myself out of bad things, but not before I've dipped my toes in the water to test it out. Why do I always take the chances that hurt me while the safer opportunities go untouched?

Sometimes I step back and analyze the way my life has taken shape so far and I can't help but wonder if I play little to no role in the decisions I'm supposedly making. I don't think I ever truly think things through. How did I get to California and get a full time job? I barely thought about that decision before I said yes. What is it in me that makes these decisions for me, knowing that even if it's not easy, it will always turn out OK? And WHY can't I apply it to all aspects of my life? WHY can't I pass it onto someone else when they need it? WHY can't I ever make a simple decision on my own using logic instead of honestly thinking, "my first instinct was to go with a burger for dinner instead of italian, so I think it's destiny telling me to eat this Whopper..."

San Francisco was the best. I spent the day with Nate and the band, wandering around and drinking for free and checking out all the different types of creatures that come out of the woodwork for the festival scene. (Exhibits un and deux: a chick with a tail, and some lady walking around with a duck on a leash...sidenote: ducks don't like being on leashes)

We had on artists passes so we pretty much had free reign the whole day and night, hence the backstage shot I got from the Wilco set (yyyyyeeesssssss...I'm too lazy to post all my pictures, they're all up here). Considering it was the first one of its kind, it was pretty well organized, and very colorful (exhibit trois: the booze tent in the artists area). Grace and the boys played an amazing set. I can't believe almost 9 fricken months has gone by since the last time I saw them play. What have I been doing with my life...? Not having the kind of fun I want to, that's for sure. It was a pretty good turnout. Someone said that there were about 8000 people there for the GPN set, which was their biggest festival turnout ever. Every time I see them live there are more people dancing. This was a really great crowd: really responsive and happy. And REALLY on-key. They sang part of a song back to Grace at one point and it was like a real chorus. I love when random shit sends chills up your spine. ALSO! Standing right next to me for the earlier portion of the set was a man in a Franklinville Panthers shirt! What are the odds of that? He went to Franklinville but graduated way earlier than I did. Not the point! It made me feel like San Francisco was a Good Place To Be. Bobby, the new tour manager, is HILARIOUS and so much fun to be around. And what better way to spend the day than exploring a city you've ALWAYS wanted to go to with one of your favorite bands? Life is awfully good to me sometimes.

All the time, actually. My red-eye flight back to the woods leaves tomorrow night. Cannot wait to throw my arms around my best friend and my parents...and snuggle with my kitty...and dance...and breathe Franklinville in again in general =)