still fly

Every single memory I have from being a really young kid involved music except for one instance when I was sitting on my bed screaming because there was a bee in my room. I've always leaned towards the theory that when you grow up you should end up doing whatever you loved to do most when you were a kid. I'm getting there... I haven't changed all that much really. I like that.

I am not a drama queen. I do tend to walk into colorful situations in life, and I meet interesting people and hold onto them. But I don't think any of it, when mixed with my own personality, creates a problem. I am me and that's all I can offer. I'm an open book, and I think by now people should know me well enough to know that once you make me feel like an object instead of a person....you generally lose me.

The problem is that I've given out second chances before thinking it was situational and could be altered. And I'm wrong. I'm wrong in my initial impression, I'm wrong in the actions I take, I'm wrong in my second judgement, I'm wrong to be hurt. Even when I'm right, I'm still wrong.

I think Wednesday night sparked something in me. A little bit of life for me here that I had been trying to find but couldn't; a part that let me have an amazing night seeing my favorite band regardless of homesickness, regardless of my location, regardless of my headache or the fact that Zoe locked herself out of her apartment and didn't bring her ID lol, regardless of a lot of things. I just felt alive and amazing and like myself for the first time since I moved here, and I made the most of it by doing what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. And it felt fuckin great. I think my problem is that I try pleasing people that don't really deserve that kind of attention from me, and once I stop trying to please them because I realize nothing will ever work...they wonder what my problem is haha.

My problem is that I'm in California trying to please other people when all I'd need to do to be happy is do whatever I want, because I have that freedom but for some reason decided NOT to take advantage of it for the past 3 months. No more. I feel free and open and honest, and it's solely because I noticed that what had a weird hold on me before finally let go.

I'm entirely thankful for Zoe. I have finally met someone here who would drop everything to come somewhere she didn't want to go to just because she knew I needed a friend. THAT is the kind of quality in a friend that I'm used to...it's a good thing to have.

MP3 [Sebastien Tellier - Look]