i keep my visions to myself

Brace yourself kids...this is gonna be a long one WOOOO!!!

I am happy. And I'm thankful that I (for once) listened to everyone around me, because from the time my Grandma died until I was back home visiting my family for the holidays I was not happy. And me not being happy meant, like always, I was constantly thinking how do i get out, get me out, get me out  and planning a hundred different escape routes to other cities spread out across the United States. LA is not the problem. HANNA is the problem, haha. LA has never done anything but give me things that I've always wanted but have never been able to find elsewhere. I was very seriously considering two options: moving back to Buffalo and attempting to take over my Grandma's house, or moving to Denver where I know absolutely no one and just starting over with a blank slate. I LOVE BLANK SLATES. I love starting over. I always have. This does not mean that it's always the necessary or intelligent thing to do. And I will admit I found myself in bed one night, Googling symptoms of panic disorders because I had been feeling so consistently horrible and that day in particular had been plagued with an intense fear of something I couldn't even fucking understand. Google told me to wait a little while longer before doing crazy things, because it takes about 2 months to start feeling relief from the grief of losing a loved one. And almost 2 months to the day after she died, I started feeling better. And we all lived happily ever after.

I'll be honest; it wasn't just Google that told me to wait before making crazy decisions about my life. Leaving you doesn't show up anywhere on my to-do list...

I miss her so much. No matter what, she is in the back of my mind. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about what her hands felt like while I held them in the hospital. Her skin was so soft. And we all commented on that. How did we not notice that before? I wish I would have held her hands every single day. I wonder if dealing with loss ever gets easier. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and even THAT is bizarre to me. I can't imagine being at an age where my friends start dying. If it's just a matter of growing numb to it, then I don't want any part of that. I will gladly be the girl who seems to be more emotional than everyone else, because emotion is free and it's my own and when I feel something, I know I'm feeling it for a reason.

Wednesday morning was the first time that a Starbucks barista has EVER spelled my name correctly on a cup. H-A-N-N-A!

Brady and I talked about it briefly, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to live in the United States forever. Actually I'm not starting to think it, I am DEFINITELY thinking it. In Eat Pray Love (don't you judge me) Julia Roberts sits in a barber shop in Italy, listening to a man tell her that Americans have a psychotic, foolish obsession with work. And that is because we're obsessed with money. And that is because we want "the life" which means getting every extravagant material thing we want the moment we see it. We've labeled all the commercial bullshit "normal" and taught our kids that they need to live life this way as well. Life is so short...why do we put so much desire and emotion into money when there is so much beauty in the world that doesn't cost anything? Or when it is crystal clear that GREED has made America the fat idiot kid in the class?

But back to Eat Pray Love and being obsessed with work. I know I don't love to work, but I AM a productive girl with a great work ethic. But I also know when enough is enough. What I do is not who I am, and I am not my circumstances. Moving to a place like Bali sounds more and more like the right decision every day. Haha I am my father. If you know him, you know why I just said that. Pierce Hill is his Bali, his quiet green masterpiece that is so far removed from the insanity and noise of the world that sometimes when I'm there I forget anything else exists. I want to work to make the world a better place, and when I'm done doing that for the day, I want to be able to hear birds singing and put my arms around someone that I love.

I got myself back and it feels so good

we are standing in the sunlight

There is certainly something special about a new year. It IS just another day, it IS just another minute, just like all those that came before it, and that is reason to celebrate because it's not a second chance, it's a trillionth chance. That's all life is, you know?

Not sure what it was about being home that allowed me to untangle myself from the giant mess I made, but I am grateful that everything happened the way that it did, because here I am, here in LA and feeling like I have a fresh start in every area of my life. It feels GOOD to be feisty with people when they deserve it. It feels GOOD to say adios to ALL of my freelance clients in order to spend some much needed quality time on myself. Maybe that means rebranding hannascott.com until I'm satisfied and want to pick designing back up, and maybe it doesn't. I don't know! I just want to be happy, and feeling overworked 24 hours a day is not going to make me feel that way. I like designing my own things and I like looking at other people's design work, but I don't need the extra cash (that's a lie but I'm telling myself it's not) so there's really no reason for me to give myself stress when I'm supposed to be the one I depend on to melt that stress away!

I think a huge leap of faith is in order for me, but that does NOT mean quitting my job in order to freelance full-time like Bri over at designlovefest (I read her blog religiously). That would just result in me hating design, and I don't ever want to feel that way about something I love so much! I've been thinking that maybe I should get back to my roots, meaning music. I've been looking into giving flute lessons/tutoring in music theory to little kids in the area. How amazing would that be?! I'm really not the biggest fan of kids, but that's only when they're running around screaming like little assholes.

I have put a lot more faith in myself lately than I ever have before. One of the most beautiful things about the relationship I am in is that he has slowly been helping me learn how to analyze why I do things, feel things... I'm finally starting to realize that all of my faith should be in myself because I'm the only one I have total control over, even though having control over other people gives me a boner and I crave it 24 hours a day. I am one of the smartest people I know and there is no reason why I shouldn't be controlling myself, because I've never steered myself wrong. It feels so good to do things that I'm proud of the next day. I have done a lot of very bad things in the past, but they don't seem bad when I'm doing them- just impulsive. I never really realized that until I took a look at how much they messed with my head/heart.

I'm so tired of social media. I even hate those words paired together. I know it's my job, and I will do my job faithfully, but it's exhausting to be that connected to the world all the time. The only time I really like it is when it works in my favor. Like when I tweet at Miles Fisher telling him I have a crush on him and he responds with "not so bad yourself" *SWOON*

It feels good to write this blog post. It feels good to be this specific in a blog post. When I read through old stuff from this site and the last, it's all a bunch of vague fluff that no one would ever care about because they won't understand what the fuck any of it's about. (If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it Hanna!) And I know that I have quite a lot of good things to say, so I had better start being more specific about them.

Ain't love the sweetest thing

How funny it is when people can see your life more clearly than you can, tell you something about yourself, and they're actually right. I always appreciate people that are able to understand others so clearly, because a lot of people don't care to make that effort. Maybe it's easier for some people.

My troubles have been sorted out, or so it seems. Fiiiinally. I'm not going to announce them all here because one of them is frankly so strange that I'm a bit embarrassed by it and I don't want to tell the world how much control it's taken over me. BUT. And there is a big but. (I like big butts and I cannot lie) Just sorting out what is causing all this mess has made the knots in my stomach unwind and the buzzing in my head subside. There was just so much intensity that I got lost in it, I think. As I always do when there is intensity of any kind. I'm an intensity slut.

Have you ever read the thoughts of someone that were so like your own that it sucked you right in? Rolling Stone just released the full interview with John Lennon that was conducted a few days before he died. The things that Yoko Ono says about him and the things that he says/does in the interview make me feel like the possibility of a person's soul floating right down into someone else's body is one of the real-est things around. And maybe there was a piece of him floating around Buffalo General Hospital 6 years after he was killed, and maybe I breathed in at just the right moment. And even if that doesn't rationally explain the amazing connection I feel to him, I like the fact that I believe things like that can happen.

My boyfriend made me the most fantastic playlist that's been seeing some heavy playtime for the past few days. It calms me down when I start to freak out, and I'm not sure if it's because of the music itself or because I associate it with him and he always helps me relax when I need it. Regardless, I fell in love with this song and  I hope you do too: Katchafire - Who You With

When I look back on what happened today I have to laugh. I can't go into much detail I guess, but suffice to say: throwing a tantrum and forcing people to support your janky, non-trustworthy attempts at being a good person just bring your true colors out for everyone to see. I am so thankful that the people I allow into my life are not like you. To quote Meg Ryan- "You are nothing but a suit."

For Real

I know I want a change but I can't tell what kind or how much or when or why or where. I want something that I'm not getting, and even though I know VERY well what that something is, there's still something else that keeps poking me and telling me to do something new.

I had a funny thought on Saturday when I was watching Wizards of Waverly Place (shut up I like that show. It's better than reality TV, is it not?) and realized that I used to be exactly like Alex Russo when I was in school. I was always getting in trouble, but I was so smart and motivated with everything that I usually skated by without hearing too much about it. I sorta want to go around getting in trouble again I think. All my teachers used to have to tell me to settle down in class because I would be going a million miles an hour, talking to the people next to me, getting in trouble for laughing, etc etc. And I mean it...just off the top of my head- Mr Bennett (HE HATED ME), Schifely, Mr Kays, Mrs Brennan, Mr Schunke, Miss Morgan (or whatever her married name is now), Mr Taylor, they all had to sit me down and tell me to be more serious. WHAT IF THEY ARE THE REASON I'M SO SERIOUS TODAY

Srsly

I got a whole lot of work done today. In fact, I'll be honest, I built an entire website today that I've been procrastinating on in THE WORST way for the last couple weeks. And I even took a break in the middle of designing to go for a run in the sunshine, because that sunshine was peeking in through my balcony door and saying Haaaannnnnaaaaa Haaaannnnnnnaaaa come play with meeeeeeeeeeee

So I did! So what? Who caaares? (saying that like Fred Armisen playing Joy Behar)

Today I feel as happy as happy can be

Pretend you're sitting in an old rocking chair with a beer on a hot summer day in the country with willow tree branches bending over you, and then listen to this song.

Mazzy Star - I'm Sailin'

That's how I feel today. Life is easy breezy

wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

babalu-aye spins on his crutches, says leave if you want, if you want to leave

Particularly relevant lyrics: Now I know only this/I've got you today/Don't fly away/Cause I love what I love/And I want it that way

This is sort of a creepy statement to make so I apologize in advance- there are 4 or 5 people on Facebook that I "stalk" regularly just because they're such smart, happy, and productive people that it gives me something to strive for. I don't even really talk to any of them that much. I think that the info & images you divulge on sites like that tends to say more about you than anything else lately. Above all else, I want to be the type of person that's able to remind everyone how beautiful the world can be. I think about that every day, and I know I'm lucky to have witnessed all that beauty first-hand. I blame Franklinville... little redneck Franklinville. Because this is what I see when I stand on my parents back porch:

Various other things that have made my world come together in the past month: a job that seems to have completely traded its turbo-stressful atmosphere for one of relaxed happiness, I-Love-Yous on a wobbly bench overlooking the entire city of Los Angeles, birthday serenades and homecooked meals, Mike's aunt Rona wearing Jemal's heels, 500 days of Summer, and an amazing night's sleep (or several).

A valuable lesson: almost everyone alive hates their job. If you have one that you like even a little bit, THINK IT THROUGH before you consider making a very odd or hasty career change. Going from web design & social media to animals & "sales" for example, is not a smart career change. Love animals! Don't love being a glorified receptionist. Lesson learned, career gods. I will behave from now on. Probably.

A story about love: If you are in a relationship that you constantly have to question, a relationship that makes you feel bad on even a semi-regular basis...I can guarantee you it's the wrong one. Because when you are with the right person, all it will ever do is lift you up. And this is coming from the queen of loving-someone-that-doesn't-love-you-back, so I have plenty of experience in heartbreak and the associated unhappiness ;) If it's real, you'll always be able to tell that you're on the same page and love each other equally.

Tradition: last year on our birthday, Mike & I went to Palos Verdes and had a picnic with a few people as we watched the sun set over the ocean. Gonna do that again tonight. It's a little late, but timing doesn't matter so much when you've got everything you need.

run baby run

I'm halfway through my transition from EFG PR to Kennel Club LAX. I am so! freaking! excited! to see what this place is all about. I want to be able to put my heart and soul into the work that I'm doing.

Dancing In The Moonlight just started playing and I can't help but do a little dance whenever I hear it. It's like Big & Chunky from Madagascar 2...you must listen to it, it cracks me up and I can't sit still when I hear it. CHUNK-AAYYYYY!

Sometimes human beings are so quick to do something "new" that they do a lap and come up behind themselves, making everything predictable again. I can tell by the wording of a text someone sent that they're single again and want to see me, and the message didn't even relate to that. I just know how they work. I can't be bothered with it. In fact, it was satisfying to feel no emotion whatsoever and that's one of very few times I'll say that. It's funny how it doesn't matter anymore- there are many reasons for that indifference but it's especially because I have someone that treats me how I deserve to be treated.

And I'd definitely be crazy to deny that you're the best I've ever had. You make me laugh, make me think, bring me out of the shell that I sometimes take cover in, treat my friends like the gems that they are, and allow me to have complete faith in you. I'm just lucky and very very happy, game over.

Here is a list:

Number of guest memberships at other peoples gyms = 2

Number of miles from work to home = 6

Minutes it takes me to get ready in the morning (on a good day) = 30

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 1st time = 0 (job offer came before college ended)

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 2nd time = 2 (bank account therefore drained)

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 3rd time = 0 (interview on sunday, hired on tuesday)

Number of ER trips in my life = 2

Number of Mental Health Days taken = 1

Hours of sleep per night if I'm lucky = 7

Number of times I can tolerate hearing Lady Gaga, Madonna, Robyn, or Kylie Minogue per day = 0

Number of creepy men that have pulled over and snapped pictures of me as I walk down the street = 1

Number of people I love with all my heart = 27

Number of sunny days per year in Los Angeles = ~300

Number of sunny days per year in Buffalo = ~50

Number of times I've fallen down the stairs in my apartment = 2

Number of airlines I've flown with = 7

Number of airports I've set foot in = 15

Number of places I've lived = 8

i'da danced like the queen of the eyesores and the rest of our lives woulda fared well

I should probably stop this argument with myself in which one side insists that I'm just having a lucky streak and the other insists that I'm really doing something right. I KNOW that I'm doing something right. I've never tried so hard to be a good person in my entire life. I want to do things that make other people happy and I want to do things that makes the world a better place. I feel like my heart has grown ten sizes in the past year. I'm thinking things through before I do them and I'm not letting anything bother me unless I've given it the authority to do so (and let me tell you how small that authorized list is...)

Without jinxing myself or sharing too much too soon, I need to say that today went very well.

I want to fall asleep with you every night until the end of time. You are magic.

just a thought

There are 5 people in my life that I would take a bullet for. That's 5 more than most people on this planet have. Such a small number until you realize that it's 5 entire lifetimes. Lucky for me, they're the 5 most generous, beautiful, supportive, caring people that ever lived.

Some chaos today, per usual, but I was so happy all day that I couldn't even be bothered by it. How easy life becomes when you realize you have more of a plan than you originally gave yourself credit for =)

équitable, joli, juste

I shut my phone off today. It sounds like such a silly thing right? We can turn off our phones and computers anytime we want. Except that most of us really can't. Not only did I shut my phone off, but I seriously contemplated biking to the ocean to dispose of it for all of eternity. If I wasn't such a fan of a) constantly knowing what time it is, b) talking to my best friend and a few other select people, and c) taking pictures without dragging a camera around...it probably would have gone into the Pacific indeed. I think a mini-meltdown in a hooptie (ha!) that led to a night of me laying next to someone I care about, not having to think about anything showed me that I'd better start finding as many ways to relax my brain and my heart as humanly possible, because I need it. Or I risk becoming a complete wackjob.

I am still 100% happy and thankful that I'm here, and I mean that with everything I've got. I'm just worried about my sanity for one reason: NOTHING that I have is my own. I don't have even a square foot of my own space. Even my "free" time is not my own, as I'm quickly finding out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate the things that I supposedly want from my life, because I think I'm sort of far off on one of them haha. But where there's bad there's good, because let me tell you how perfect another area of my life is...I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to jinx it. I'm just super thankful, bottom line.

Jasmine iced tea from Mao's is awesome.

Furthermore, I cannot wait until I'm financially comfortable enough to get a gym membership and throw away my stress 3-5 times a week =) Even the thought of it makes me feel great. I feel like I have so much to look forward to, but unfortunately no time to actually look forward to it haha! I know this: I'm grateful for the hour-ish that I spend after work each day, walking from my office to CBS/the Grove to either laugh my ass off with the AMAZING guys in the machine room, or wander around in the evening sun and people watch.

And one last thing: I've officially lived in LA through every month of the year now. So what if I did it in a million pieces? Little personal milestones are sometimes the only thing I need to make me feel like I'm doing something right.

who are you calling a cootie queen?

I distinctly remember thinking Glee was awful the first time I watched it. It was campy and ridiculous and I couldn't finish an episode. I don't know what happened, or how, but now I am sitting on the floor with Mike with the first 12 episodes on DVD and I am loving it.

I've gained so much trust in people over the last 6 months. I owe that partially to Adam; until him I hadn't really met a guy that I trusted with every inch of my body. I never questioned anything that he did, even for a second. I'm not a jealous person at all, really, but I am a smart girl, and whenever I felt like someone was shady I was always right. It seems like I'm making better, more worthwhile relationships with all sorts of people lately. If it's really something I've invested some feeling in, I fight for it when it starts to fade. Maybe I'm doing some crazy hyper-aging mentally or something, and in 6 months I've somehow developed the mindset of a 30 year old. Maybe not 30, that's too old. My POINT is that I feel smarter about my judgement lately. I have more clarity than I've ever had.

I'd like to end this post with three incredibly vague statements, because sometimes I like being vague and I think I've been specific enough tonight.

1. I don't think I need that anymore

2. I DEFINITELY don't think I need THAT anymore.

3. It just keeps getting better and better.

free flowing like water over your fingers

I came to a somewhat disturbing conclusion today; since moving here I Do Not Know Myself At All.

I used to be able to take a step back and know what people would think. I would take note of it but I wouldn't care. There was not a single person's opinion of me that could make me give a hoot about the things I did and people I associated with and the way I lived my life other than my mom and dad. I could breathe deeper and sleep better. I had this sense of clarity and an overwhelming ability to pick out the best and keep it in my pocket. I was sunlit and warm and more alive than I can ever explain.

I have gone from being EXACTLY who I aspired to be when I was little...to some random girl that came here and changed immediately. I started caring. And not the kind of caring that deserves merit from anyone or makes the world a better place. The kind of caring that I dislike in others. One comment from the right person can leave me feeling offended, broken, useless, and even more empty than I felt before the words had left their lips. I am indifferent about myself 100% of the time because I've removed the warmth from myself and tried throwing it into everything around me to make it somewhere worth being. I tiptoe around people, hoping I don't say or do something that they'll talk about to their friends later. I gave in and apologized to someone that deep down I am CERTAIN I don't feel the least bit sorry about, just because he made me feel like I was 2 inches tall. I cannot believe I did that. That is the lowest of the low for me. I have never given in like that in my entire life.

Honestly...I am dangerously close to buying a one way ticket back to NY and leaving all the furniture and things I bought on the curb for whoever wants it. I don't even want to touch any of it, it's tainted with southern California smog and almost 5 months worth of total bullshit.

And by all means, if you read this and think you're associated with it, you probably are and you probably suck. And out of all honesty, YOU probably owe ME a fucking apology.

still fly

Every single memory I have from being a really young kid involved music except for one instance when I was sitting on my bed screaming because there was a bee in my room. I've always leaned towards the theory that when you grow up you should end up doing whatever you loved to do most when you were a kid. I'm getting there... I haven't changed all that much really. I like that.

I am not a drama queen. I do tend to walk into colorful situations in life, and I meet interesting people and hold onto them. But I don't think any of it, when mixed with my own personality, creates a problem. I am me and that's all I can offer. I'm an open book, and I think by now people should know me well enough to know that once you make me feel like an object instead of a person....you generally lose me.

The problem is that I've given out second chances before thinking it was situational and could be altered. And I'm wrong. I'm wrong in my initial impression, I'm wrong in the actions I take, I'm wrong in my second judgement, I'm wrong to be hurt. Even when I'm right, I'm still wrong.

I think Wednesday night sparked something in me. A little bit of life for me here that I had been trying to find but couldn't; a part that let me have an amazing night seeing my favorite band regardless of homesickness, regardless of my location, regardless of my headache or the fact that Zoe locked herself out of her apartment and didn't bring her ID lol, regardless of a lot of things. I just felt alive and amazing and like myself for the first time since I moved here, and I made the most of it by doing what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. And it felt fuckin great. I think my problem is that I try pleasing people that don't really deserve that kind of attention from me, and once I stop trying to please them because I realize nothing will ever work...they wonder what my problem is haha.

My problem is that I'm in California trying to please other people when all I'd need to do to be happy is do whatever I want, because I have that freedom but for some reason decided NOT to take advantage of it for the past 3 months. No more. I feel free and open and honest, and it's solely because I noticed that what had a weird hold on me before finally let go.

I'm entirely thankful for Zoe. I have finally met someone here who would drop everything to come somewhere she didn't want to go to just because she knew I needed a friend. THAT is the kind of quality in a friend that I'm used to...it's a good thing to have.

MP3 [Sebastien Tellier - Look]