wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

Ho Ho HOEBAG

I'm in a stoooore and I'm singggiiiiiing!

75 mph wind gusts in cheery Buffalo NY today...that's hurricane status folks. The uprights at the Bills game were bending, lol.

This has been a wonderful, busy, stressful vacation back to my happy little life in the woods. The night that I flew in Amanda came over and we spent hours reading old online journals (from 11th/12th grade ...i'm such a blogging whizkid, watch out) and laughed ourselves SICK.

My life has changed so much and so many people have popped in and out in the 5 years since I wrote in that blog. But remarkably enough, reading through all that nonsense I realized that I have not changed very much. I'm about 150% less dramatic, and I don't get into fights in the chorus room. Other than that I'm still 17 year old Hanna running around hating boys, not giving herself enough credit when it's needed, and giving herself TOO much credit when it's not.

My Uncle Jim is at ECMC in the trauma unit, and has been since a week ago. He missed Christmas and is in a drug-induced coma. He had a bad stroke and fell down my Grandma's basement stairs. Now there's a tube coming out of his brain to drain any fluid, and he had to have a tracheotomy to remove all the fluid from his chest/throat because he had pneumonia. I'm not close to him; he's a Vietnam veteran and has since turned crazy and dangerous. He never had a wife or children. He used to really hurt my mom and aunts and I'm not even sure if he knows he did it. But it poses a problem for about 6 different reasons:
1-- My grandma is hopeful. And in all honesty....she shouldn't be because he probably is going to die soon. But how can you possibly tell a mother not to hope for the best for her son? You can't.
2-- My grandma is going to the hospital every day to visit but no one wants her driving around Buffalo by herself, so Aunt Holly has been taking her. Every day. And she's been staying with her too, which is incredibly stressful for both of them.
3-- My mom feels guilty for not being able to help because she's in Franklinville and this is going on an hour/hour and a half away, but is having a hard time deciding what to feel because this is a man that she had almost completely removed from her life because he hurt her so much and so frequently.
4-- They didn't expect him to make it through the initial surgery to drain fluid on his brain. But he did. Now, he's not taking in food, even through a tube, and they don't know if he can breathe on his own. And they say it may be 6 months before they see a change. This is going to go on for 6 months??? It's a very scary thought and is going to be so, so hard on my family.
5-- Even if he does make it out alive...he's likely going to be a vegetable. And my Grandma has a heart of gold but just cannot take care of him 24/7. She's not eating as it is. And none of us can afford it/have room/have a schedule that permits us to take him in. And I'm not sure anyone except Grandma would want to anyway. I know it sounds harsh but I'm talking about some very serious, scary, bad things that this man has done. He's not alright.
6-- This is already a very hard time on my Mom's side of the family, because my Grandpa died on my Aunt Holly's birthday (the day after christmas) a long time ago. Grandma has already had to say goodbye to her husband and one of her sons, and now there's another member of the family that's headed down that road.

Very stressful. I'm just trying to listen to my Mom when she seems like she needs to talk, because I don't know what else to do. My dad's not really the listening kind...I am just so thankful that I could come home while this was going on and give her someone to count on because she truly needs it.

Enough sadness. Christmas night I went to OB's and saw a ton of Franklinville people that I haven't seen in a long time. I love celebrating in my hometown! Friday I went to JBs and did some serious dancing (and so did Adam, hahahahahahahhaha). Saturday I ended up going out to eat with Missy and Franny and then headed to Cojones Cantina in Olean. There was an absolutely FANTASTIC two-man band covering Steely Dan and Pink Floyd and Steve Winwood and others...it was truly one of the best live acts I've ever gone to see. Who would've thought it would be in Olean?

Can I just say how ECSTATIC I AM that I will be back in NY for my Dad's 50th bday, my Mom's bday, Maple Festival, springtime in general, Thursday at the Square, ugh. I have such an incredible amount of stuff to look forward to. I told a good portion of my family that I was moving home today, and instead of being disappointed that I'm not sticking it out longer or worried about me going home to a bad job market, they are just so excited to see me happy and back to my normal self. I feel awesome.

And...I cancelled my New Years Eve flights to see GPN play in Vermont. Lets just say....something came up =)

When you're truly alone, you find the strongest people to lean on

revoluti0n no9 (7:01:43 PM): do you remember daniel or derrick lockwood?
AddyJoeyMilly (7:01:56 PM): yes...and i heard the story
revoluti0n no9 (7:02:03 PM): its sad
AddyJoeyMilly (7:02:11 PM): yeah i know...crazy how things happen
revoluti0n no9 (7:02:42 PM): not smart at all and could have been prevented, but i can't even imagine how his brother must feel...i dont know if i could live with that, accidental or not
AddyJoeyMilly (7:03:27 PM): thats very true...if i did that to one of my brothers...its like how would the rest of the family judge me...or friends anyone ya know
revoluti0n no9 (7:04:27 PM): i dont think i would ever be able to look in a mirror again...its not that he should be ashamed, it just has got to be the most painful thing in the world to know you're responsible for one of the people you're closest to being gone forever
AddyJoeyMilly (7:04:43 PM): this convo is making me very sad
AddyJoeyMilly (7:04:44 PM): weird
revoluti0n no9 (7:05:41 PM): yeah it really mademe sad today too, it made me tear up when my mom told me....just because its not like they ever had much to be happy about ya know? they didnt have the best life laid out for them and had next to nothing
revoluti0n no9 (7:06:25 PM): its like...when you look back at your life and you realize how little you had or have and then have to deal with some overwhelming sadness on top of it, its just incredibly unsettling
AddyJoeyMilly (7:07:30 PM): i don't know how to respond to that...you pretty much hit the point right there
AddyJoeyMilly (7:08:26 PM): i wonder where/when the wake is...maybe i'll make an appearance cuz i did use to talk to them in high school from time to time...maybe bring cj and some others to show people care ya know
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:14 PM): its like they deserved better the whole time, even if they personally enver did anything to get there...i think theres actually more to be said about people that settle, because they're able to be happy with nothing...and most people can't do that
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:34 PM): i think my parents are gonna go with the burke family
revoluti0n no9 (7:09:40 PM): ugh
AddyJoeyMilly (7:09:53 PM): if you hear when the things are...please let me know asap
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:01 PM): i will
AddyJoeyMilly (7:10:05 PM): maybe its in todays paper?
AddyJoeyMilly (7:10:11 PM): i picked it up but didn't look in it yet
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:21 PM): i really dont know why it makes me so sad, i wasn't close to them, it just really is not sitting well
revoluti0n no9 (7:10:38 PM): it might be
AddyJoeyMilly (7:11:06 PM): well i can't relate but imagining being in their shoes...gets to me just by itself...and even though its cliche...the community of franklinville really does back each other up in ways like that
revoluti0n no9 (7:11:39 PM): i know...everyone really does die famous in a small town
AddyJoeyMilly (7:11:50 PM): Miranda Lambert
revoluti0n no9 (7:11:52 PM): its comforting to know that no matter who you are, people will remember you
AddyJoeyMilly (7:12:00 PM): its very true


(story)

Ever wonder how I can miss such a shitty small town with nothing to offer SO much that it hurts to breathe? There's your answer...