I never want to forget this

There is a casting studio on the ground floor of my office building. Sometimes they cast pirates and I find myself wandering through a maze of pirates while trying to leave to go to lunch. Sometimes they cast businessmen and I find myself wondering who is an actor and who actually works in the building. Today they were casting little girls for something.

While standing in the lobby today after a short phone call I overheard a mother talking to her very young daughter (she couldn't have been more than 4) about how to act surprised in a good way. Here is the conversation I just witnessed- I think it made my heart grow about a hundred sizes:

Mother: "What's the most awesome thing you've ever seen?"
Little Girl: "R2D2...or maybe Luke Skywalker"
Mother: "OK, so what would be your expression be if you saw Luke Skywalker?"
Little Girl: "Well I would be a Rebel Alliance member!"
Mother: "No that's not your expression!"

One of very few times a kid has made my entire day.

i keep my visions to myself

Brace yourself kids...this is gonna be a long one WOOOO!!!

I am happy. And I'm thankful that I (for once) listened to everyone around me, because from the time my Grandma died until I was back home visiting my family for the holidays I was not happy. And me not being happy meant, like always, I was constantly thinking how do i get out, get me out, get me out  and planning a hundred different escape routes to other cities spread out across the United States. LA is not the problem. HANNA is the problem, haha. LA has never done anything but give me things that I've always wanted but have never been able to find elsewhere. I was very seriously considering two options: moving back to Buffalo and attempting to take over my Grandma's house, or moving to Denver where I know absolutely no one and just starting over with a blank slate. I LOVE BLANK SLATES. I love starting over. I always have. This does not mean that it's always the necessary or intelligent thing to do. And I will admit I found myself in bed one night, Googling symptoms of panic disorders because I had been feeling so consistently horrible and that day in particular had been plagued with an intense fear of something I couldn't even fucking understand. Google told me to wait a little while longer before doing crazy things, because it takes about 2 months to start feeling relief from the grief of losing a loved one. And almost 2 months to the day after she died, I started feeling better. And we all lived happily ever after.

I'll be honest; it wasn't just Google that told me to wait before making crazy decisions about my life. Leaving you doesn't show up anywhere on my to-do list...

I miss her so much. No matter what, she is in the back of my mind. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about what her hands felt like while I held them in the hospital. Her skin was so soft. And we all commented on that. How did we not notice that before? I wish I would have held her hands every single day. I wonder if dealing with loss ever gets easier. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and even THAT is bizarre to me. I can't imagine being at an age where my friends start dying. If it's just a matter of growing numb to it, then I don't want any part of that. I will gladly be the girl who seems to be more emotional than everyone else, because emotion is free and it's my own and when I feel something, I know I'm feeling it for a reason.

Wednesday morning was the first time that a Starbucks barista has EVER spelled my name correctly on a cup. H-A-N-N-A!

Brady and I talked about it briefly, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to live in the United States forever. Actually I'm not starting to think it, I am DEFINITELY thinking it. In Eat Pray Love (don't you judge me) Julia Roberts sits in a barber shop in Italy, listening to a man tell her that Americans have a psychotic, foolish obsession with work. And that is because we're obsessed with money. And that is because we want "the life" which means getting every extravagant material thing we want the moment we see it. We've labeled all the commercial bullshit "normal" and taught our kids that they need to live life this way as well. Life is so short...why do we put so much desire and emotion into money when there is so much beauty in the world that doesn't cost anything? Or when it is crystal clear that GREED has made America the fat idiot kid in the class?

But back to Eat Pray Love and being obsessed with work. I know I don't love to work, but I AM a productive girl with a great work ethic. But I also know when enough is enough. What I do is not who I am, and I am not my circumstances. Moving to a place like Bali sounds more and more like the right decision every day. Haha I am my father. If you know him, you know why I just said that. Pierce Hill is his Bali, his quiet green masterpiece that is so far removed from the insanity and noise of the world that sometimes when I'm there I forget anything else exists. I want to work to make the world a better place, and when I'm done doing that for the day, I want to be able to hear birds singing and put my arms around someone that I love.

I got myself back and it feels so good

we are standing in the sunlight

There is certainly something special about a new year. It IS just another day, it IS just another minute, just like all those that came before it, and that is reason to celebrate because it's not a second chance, it's a trillionth chance. That's all life is, you know?

Not sure what it was about being home that allowed me to untangle myself from the giant mess I made, but I am grateful that everything happened the way that it did, because here I am, here in LA and feeling like I have a fresh start in every area of my life. It feels GOOD to be feisty with people when they deserve it. It feels GOOD to say adios to ALL of my freelance clients in order to spend some much needed quality time on myself. Maybe that means rebranding hannascott.com until I'm satisfied and want to pick designing back up, and maybe it doesn't. I don't know! I just want to be happy, and feeling overworked 24 hours a day is not going to make me feel that way. I like designing my own things and I like looking at other people's design work, but I don't need the extra cash (that's a lie but I'm telling myself it's not) so there's really no reason for me to give myself stress when I'm supposed to be the one I depend on to melt that stress away!

I think a huge leap of faith is in order for me, but that does NOT mean quitting my job in order to freelance full-time like Bri over at designlovefest (I read her blog religiously). That would just result in me hating design, and I don't ever want to feel that way about something I love so much! I've been thinking that maybe I should get back to my roots, meaning music. I've been looking into giving flute lessons/tutoring in music theory to little kids in the area. How amazing would that be?! I'm really not the biggest fan of kids, but that's only when they're running around screaming like little assholes.

I have put a lot more faith in myself lately than I ever have before. One of the most beautiful things about the relationship I am in is that he has slowly been helping me learn how to analyze why I do things, feel things... I'm finally starting to realize that all of my faith should be in myself because I'm the only one I have total control over, even though having control over other people gives me a boner and I crave it 24 hours a day. I am one of the smartest people I know and there is no reason why I shouldn't be controlling myself, because I've never steered myself wrong. It feels so good to do things that I'm proud of the next day. I have done a lot of very bad things in the past, but they don't seem bad when I'm doing them- just impulsive. I never really realized that until I took a look at how much they messed with my head/heart.

I'm so tired of social media. I even hate those words paired together. I know it's my job, and I will do my job faithfully, but it's exhausting to be that connected to the world all the time. The only time I really like it is when it works in my favor. Like when I tweet at Miles Fisher telling him I have a crush on him and he responds with "not so bad yourself" *SWOON*

It feels good to write this blog post. It feels good to be this specific in a blog post. When I read through old stuff from this site and the last, it's all a bunch of vague fluff that no one would ever care about because they won't understand what the fuck any of it's about. (If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it Hanna!) And I know that I have quite a lot of good things to say, so I had better start being more specific about them.

The sweetest song to sing

Here is something I wrote 6 years ago- http://edible-bubbles.xanga.com/63326935/item/

While I am laughing at it (CELINE DION lyrics!! KYLIE MINOGUE in the currently playing section!!) I am also wondering if maybe it's smarter for me to surround myself with music rather than art like I've been doing for the past few years? It just seemed like I always got more out of music. But maybe that was just because there's more to do with music in school. I doubt I'd be able to find the same recognition/satisfaction from it now. But it's a thought that I should explore more anyway, just because I feel like exploring something :) And high five to 17 year old me, because that "I'm s i n g l e" part of the entry was referencing me breaking up with Joel Clear, LOL

I go home in a few days for a whole week...no funerals/hospitals this time! I am so looking forward to having a night of absolute silliness with Amanda, Ashley Covert, and Karin. With or without alcohol (but lets face it, probably with)

I don't get into many specifics here when it comes to love, dating, etc. Sometimes it's because I know no one will care, sometimes it's because I don't think it needs to be announced to the world, sometimes I don't wanna overwhelm anyone, sometimes I'm too lazy to type about it, haha. Buuuut I'm gonna switch it up and tell the world a few things tonight:

I went on a first date wayyy back in February with Brady, who I had been casually talking to since my birthday a handful of months prior. I wasn't expecting much out of it, even though the chemistry that I had with him did convince me to end the little thing I had with Adam Sorokes because I KNEW it wasn't going to work out no matter how great he was. I spent Valentine's Day laying on the beach and getting to know a really great guy who has seemingly taken up residency in the space inside of me where all the love goes. It has by no means been flawless, but he inspires me and makes me laugh and helps me unwind and is always there for me. It's been a strange few months but I'm glad they happened in the way they did, because it feels really good to know that we can get fucked up and come back stronger. That's the good stuff. He is always a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be dating such a caring and smart person. I am so lucky to be dating my best friend.

...but no, Neil, you will never be replaced.

For Real

I know I want a change but I can't tell what kind or how much or when or why or where. I want something that I'm not getting, and even though I know VERY well what that something is, there's still something else that keeps poking me and telling me to do something new.

I had a funny thought on Saturday when I was watching Wizards of Waverly Place (shut up I like that show. It's better than reality TV, is it not?) and realized that I used to be exactly like Alex Russo when I was in school. I was always getting in trouble, but I was so smart and motivated with everything that I usually skated by without hearing too much about it. I sorta want to go around getting in trouble again I think. All my teachers used to have to tell me to settle down in class because I would be going a million miles an hour, talking to the people next to me, getting in trouble for laughing, etc etc. And I mean it...just off the top of my head- Mr Bennett (HE HATED ME), Schifely, Mr Kays, Mrs Brennan, Mr Schunke, Miss Morgan (or whatever her married name is now), Mr Taylor, they all had to sit me down and tell me to be more serious. WHAT IF THEY ARE THE REASON I'M SO SERIOUS TODAY

Srsly

I got a whole lot of work done today. In fact, I'll be honest, I built an entire website today that I've been procrastinating on in THE WORST way for the last couple weeks. And I even took a break in the middle of designing to go for a run in the sunshine, because that sunshine was peeking in through my balcony door and saying Haaaannnnnaaaaa Haaaannnnnnnaaaa come play with meeeeeeeeeeee

So I did! So what? Who caaares? (saying that like Fred Armisen playing Joy Behar)

Today I feel as happy as happy can be

Pretend you're sitting in an old rocking chair with a beer on a hot summer day in the country with willow tree branches bending over you, and then listen to this song.

Mazzy Star - I'm Sailin'

That's how I feel today. Life is easy breezy

wear your love like heaven

Home feels like HEAVEN. I wish that I was here under better circumstances, but I think I've learned/remembered more about myself these past few days- precious things that I desperately needed to discover- than I have in years.

I've had a serious problem being "myself" for a while now. Even when I'm out having fun, surrounded by wonderful caring people, doing things that I love, it still feels like something is missing or I'm doing it wrong. I've been trying so hard to figure out what that is so it doesn't continue to destroy important relationships in my life- most notably the one I have with myself. I know it's been working, and today I feel AMAZING and like I have complete clarity. I even have this thirst for doing new things. Most notably: the desire to start cooking? Which is amazing if you know me at all. Who knows if I'll stick with it or not. Maybe it's just because I'm home and it's fall and it makes me feel all housewifey. We shall see little grasshoppa, we shall see.

Ian, my social media intern at EFG, is on my work computer while I'm out of the office and is pretty much the best for taking on my entire workload in addition to all the other stuff he has going on. He signed on to AIM but iChat automatically connects me to google talk as well, and Brady IMed me thinking it was me. HILARITY ENSUES... I got bored in the middle of typing that story so I'm not going to finish, just know that it cracked me up and frankly I like being cracked up.

It's been a difficult week so far. I know that anyone reading this probably already knows what happened, but I need to write about it a little for my own peace of mind. My grandma was a beautiful, generous person with an amazing sense of humor. She was quick as hell when it came to conversation, and she probably had a sharper mind than anyone else I've ever met for her age. She had a difficult life but I never heard her complain. She was a cashier at Quality for the longest time, and she rode her bike to work before her knee started to bother her. When my Aunt Vicki contacted me Monday morning and told me she needed me to call my parents at work, I was truthfully thinking "I need to get to NY to be with my mom" more than anything else. I knew what was happening with my Grandma was the end so I had to then focus on the things that I could control.

It wasn't scary to look at her in her bed, and it wasn't uncomfortable to be in the room. I just wanted to keep holding her hand and putting my hands through her hair. There were so many of us staying with her that we had to take shifts, but there were usually at least 4 of us around her bed. Abby slept right in her bed with her every night. She was taken off of life support as soon as I got to the hospital because she didn't want to be on it- she was only put on it to give us all the chance to get to the hospital. We honestly didn't think she'd make it very long after she was on her own. But she did...she breathed all on her own for almost 24 full hours. She had an amazingly strong heart. They told us she could hear though she had no brain activity. I truly think that she held on so long because she was so happy that her whole family was with her- she always told my mom she was scared she'd die alone. My mom wouldn't sleep. I watched her sit at my Grandma's bed the entire night, holding her hand and whispering to her. They changed her position around 3am on Wednesday morning and she made a moaning sound as they were rolling her over. After that we could hear the fluid in her lungs when she breathed- it sounded a bit like blowing into a straw in a glass of water. She smelled like milk. I was finally able to catch a couple hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, and when I woke up my family had eaten breakfast and my Grandma's breathing had just begun to slow down. It really was beautiful; we all stood around the bed and held her while her heartbeat fluctuated a bit, and eventually she took one last breath. I can't even express the amount of love and gratitude I have for the staff at Kenmore Mercy. They were so kind and accomodating, and so gentle with my Grandma. They let us sleep in her room and brought us all food and drinks. Someone came in and prayed with us, the doctor was wonderful, and all of the nurses were so helpful.

I feel at ease; my whole family does. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive.

feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace

I've heard a lot of odd tactics to combat stress when you're sinking in it, but perhaps the best was a friend that told me to just focus on color. Maybe he does it differently, but I took that to mean ignoring the purpose, shape, and size of everything and only see the colors that exist, nothing else. It's tough to shut down like that and only focus on one thing at a time, but when I'm able to do it I can feel my mood lift almost instantly. Color always makes me happy anyway; I can look at the color of a lush, freshly cut deep green lawn in the summer and feel so happy that I can't even contain it- it's almost like I'm soaking up the health of the grass and getting all juiced up on it lol. I look at deep pinks and feel warm and content. I think color affects some people a little more than others, just like anything else in the world, but that little suggestion has completely changed some of my worst days.

Going home for the first time in over 6 months tomorrow night- I'll only have 3 days to spend with my family and that's NOT enough. What can I really do about it? Most of my friends in LA have been here their entire lives, so their families are here too. It's the one thing that bothers me regularly, and there's no way for me to fix it. I'm still excited! This has been the longest I've gone without being on a plane in about 2 and a half years. What a weird thought

(they didn't have you where i come from, never knew the best was yet to come)

Evi, who is one of the best people I know by the way, has been finding all these articles on being introverted and posting them online. She posted this one (read!) a few days ago. There are some sentences in this that are so scarily similar to things I've felt and written myself that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief after reading it. Everything is me; thriving on reflection and alone time, feeling depleted by too much social engagement, exercising not for the workout but for the time alone with my own thoughts, feeling inadequate in the workplace because the phrase "throw some ideas at me" isn't how I work through things in my head. These 2 sections in particular struck a chord:

"An introvert who is silent in a group may actually be quite engaged—taking in what is said, thinking about it, waiting for a turn to speak—but will be seen in the U.S. as a poor communicator."

"Hardest was feeling judged—and judging herself—for how she was wired. Others would nudge her: 'Just say what you think.' Being reflective was not appreciated or encouraged."

My boyfriend is like a puppy (An incredible, brilliant, generous, gorgeous puppy lol). He is always jumping around, being friendly, talking to everyone within 20 feet, trying to understand everything. This is the single major difference between us and it's very apparent. We're both 100% able to keep ourselves happy almost all the time, but the routes we take to get there are drastically different. I'm an active person, but I'd rather sit still and recharge. I'm a very friendly person, and around some people I'm REALLY outgoing, but I hate small talk and I usually only speak when I feel like what I'm going to say will be appreciated. I of course want to understand everything too, but instead of jumping in and asking questions, I learn more by sitting back and observing. I love him and I would not change a single hair on his head, but the differences in the way we act are hilarious to me.

I think the crazy side of me magically appears when I feel like I'm truly understood. And that feeling either pops up immediately after meeting someone (my coworker Justin for example, has witnessed it from day 1 because I sensed in our 1st meeting that we were very very similar) or it will take a long, LONG time to work up to. The guys in the machine room at CBS always see me at my craziest for some reason- prime example would be today when Jesse and I had a loud obnoxious dance party to Big & Chunky in front of people I've never met in my life. Being reassured that it's OK to "let loose" and being asked to be crazy are both automatic turnoffs. It's offensive to me because I AM silly and ridiculous and me not displaying that for someone by no means gives them the right to ask for it. It's difficult to explain properly but that's the best I can do. The trouble with feeling that way is that the rest of the world seems to think that I need to be coaxed into being extroverted and all that will ever do is make me retreat deeper. People can run circles around me and yell at me and beg me to get crazy, and I think to myself, "if you knew me at all you'd know that if you never prompted me for it, it would likely appear on its own one day." The people that I keep in my life are the ones that have picked up on that.

Have you heard Joan Osborne's (circa 1992 or something) cover of Dylan's "Man In The Long Black Coat?" If you haven't, do yourself the favor. That song is fucking amazing.

babalu-aye spins on his crutches, says leave if you want, if you want to leave

Particularly relevant lyrics: Now I know only this/I've got you today/Don't fly away/Cause I love what I love/And I want it that way

This is sort of a creepy statement to make so I apologize in advance- there are 4 or 5 people on Facebook that I "stalk" regularly just because they're such smart, happy, and productive people that it gives me something to strive for. I don't even really talk to any of them that much. I think that the info & images you divulge on sites like that tends to say more about you than anything else lately. Above all else, I want to be the type of person that's able to remind everyone how beautiful the world can be. I think about that every day, and I know I'm lucky to have witnessed all that beauty first-hand. I blame Franklinville... little redneck Franklinville. Because this is what I see when I stand on my parents back porch:

Various other things that have made my world come together in the past month: a job that seems to have completely traded its turbo-stressful atmosphere for one of relaxed happiness, I-Love-Yous on a wobbly bench overlooking the entire city of Los Angeles, birthday serenades and homecooked meals, Mike's aunt Rona wearing Jemal's heels, 500 days of Summer, and an amazing night's sleep (or several).

A valuable lesson: almost everyone alive hates their job. If you have one that you like even a little bit, THINK IT THROUGH before you consider making a very odd or hasty career change. Going from web design & social media to animals & "sales" for example, is not a smart career change. Love animals! Don't love being a glorified receptionist. Lesson learned, career gods. I will behave from now on. Probably.

A story about love: If you are in a relationship that you constantly have to question, a relationship that makes you feel bad on even a semi-regular basis...I can guarantee you it's the wrong one. Because when you are with the right person, all it will ever do is lift you up. And this is coming from the queen of loving-someone-that-doesn't-love-you-back, so I have plenty of experience in heartbreak and the associated unhappiness ;) If it's real, you'll always be able to tell that you're on the same page and love each other equally.

Tradition: last year on our birthday, Mike & I went to Palos Verdes and had a picnic with a few people as we watched the sun set over the ocean. Gonna do that again tonight. It's a little late, but timing doesn't matter so much when you've got everything you need.

run baby run

I'm halfway through my transition from EFG PR to Kennel Club LAX. I am so! freaking! excited! to see what this place is all about. I want to be able to put my heart and soul into the work that I'm doing.

Dancing In The Moonlight just started playing and I can't help but do a little dance whenever I hear it. It's like Big & Chunky from Madagascar 2...you must listen to it, it cracks me up and I can't sit still when I hear it. CHUNK-AAYYYYY!

Sometimes human beings are so quick to do something "new" that they do a lap and come up behind themselves, making everything predictable again. I can tell by the wording of a text someone sent that they're single again and want to see me, and the message didn't even relate to that. I just know how they work. I can't be bothered with it. In fact, it was satisfying to feel no emotion whatsoever and that's one of very few times I'll say that. It's funny how it doesn't matter anymore- there are many reasons for that indifference but it's especially because I have someone that treats me how I deserve to be treated.

And I'd definitely be crazy to deny that you're the best I've ever had. You make me laugh, make me think, bring me out of the shell that I sometimes take cover in, treat my friends like the gems that they are, and allow me to have complete faith in you. I'm just lucky and very very happy, game over.

Here is a list:

Number of guest memberships at other peoples gyms = 2

Number of miles from work to home = 6

Minutes it takes me to get ready in the morning (on a good day) = 30

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 1st time = 0 (job offer came before college ended)

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 2nd time = 2 (bank account therefore drained)

Number of months it took me to find a job in LA the 3rd time = 0 (interview on sunday, hired on tuesday)

Number of ER trips in my life = 2

Number of Mental Health Days taken = 1

Hours of sleep per night if I'm lucky = 7

Number of times I can tolerate hearing Lady Gaga, Madonna, Robyn, or Kylie Minogue per day = 0

Number of creepy men that have pulled over and snapped pictures of me as I walk down the street = 1

Number of people I love with all my heart = 27

Number of sunny days per year in Los Angeles = ~300

Number of sunny days per year in Buffalo = ~50

Number of times I've fallen down the stairs in my apartment = 2

Number of airlines I've flown with = 7

Number of airports I've set foot in = 15

Number of places I've lived = 8

i'da danced like the queen of the eyesores and the rest of our lives woulda fared well

I should probably stop this argument with myself in which one side insists that I'm just having a lucky streak and the other insists that I'm really doing something right. I KNOW that I'm doing something right. I've never tried so hard to be a good person in my entire life. I want to do things that make other people happy and I want to do things that makes the world a better place. I feel like my heart has grown ten sizes in the past year. I'm thinking things through before I do them and I'm not letting anything bother me unless I've given it the authority to do so (and let me tell you how small that authorized list is...)

Without jinxing myself or sharing too much too soon, I need to say that today went very well.

I want to fall asleep with you every night until the end of time. You are magic.

the one where i finally get what i want

In more ways than one! REALLY Hannaland? You're finally ready to give in just a little and let multiple areas of my life function properly simultaneously? Is it because Saturn left Virgo and won't be back until 2036?! Just kidding. It's probs because life is sick of hearing me complain. I understand.

Boris left on Sunday. Not before putting up an elementary-school-esque fight about everything (NO you can't use my vaccuum to vaccuum a few tiny shards of broken glass from the living room, YES you can vaccuum the rest of the living room but don't break my vaccuum it was a HUNDRED DOLLARS, you WILL pay me 6 days worth of rent because you get to move in 5.5 days early), but he left nonetheless. I will not miss Boris. Mostly because I had to sleep on a floor for 4 months because of him. But a little bit because he's a tool.

I got a couch for $25 (twenny-fa-dolla) and a desk for $10 on Saturday morning. I feel like it's impossible to make it in Los Angeles if you don't have any access to CBS warehouse sales, guest lists with open bars, and other people's families that will cook you dinner. Unless you're a millionaire. Which lately I feel like I am anyway and it's not because of money, because I DEFINITELY don't have any of that.

We threw our intern Kelsi a baby shower today at EFG since she leaves on Friday (dreading that day) and played Pin The Sperm On The Uterus. I was so busy all day that before I knew it, it was 6:45 and I couldn't wait to escape WeHo and go snuggle on my 25 dollar couch in my jammies while watching Glee. Which is exactly what I did, until I got so caught up talking to Brady that I ended up ditching Glee for a self-serenade of Banana Pancakes. And the whole time I kept thinking about how comfortable I felt in this room, like I never left, not even for one day. I might even feel more comfortable in it now than I ever did before, partly because it's been so long since I've had a space that's all mine and partly because the last time I was here I was made to be uncomfortable in my own skin. It's been a year and a half since I've lived in this room, you know. That's a long time, and it was a very odd year and a half. Probably the most bizarre of my life so far. And it probably only gets more bizarre from here, right?

Gravity by John Mayer is playing. It reminds me of summer 07, in the car with Steph driving home from Thursday at the Square just as it was getting dark, the first time I ever saw GPN play live with Sam Roberts, staying at her apartment in Buffalo, the voicemail that I received that night, the den of my parents' house in the summer when the tree in the front yard makes the room glow green through the curtains...

Life has been so sublime the past couple weeks that under normal circumstances I'd be hesitant to shake things up for fear of waking up from the dream. But this time.......this time, I'm conducting a little experiment in which I totally let go of everything that brings me down. Starting with crazy programmed robot-people that never turn their business switch over to pleasure, and then moving right on down the line until all that's left is beauty.

we could close the curtains  pretend like there's no world outside  (and we could pretend that all the time)

just a thought

There are 5 people in my life that I would take a bullet for. That's 5 more than most people on this planet have. Such a small number until you realize that it's 5 entire lifetimes. Lucky for me, they're the 5 most generous, beautiful, supportive, caring people that ever lived.

Some chaos today, per usual, but I was so happy all day that I couldn't even be bothered by it. How easy life becomes when you realize you have more of a plan than you originally gave yourself credit for =)

well.

"Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and off at 59th, where, I assume it was going to Bloomingdales to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake - as almost all hats are."

I have to admit to whoever decides to read this, everything that I have right now seems so much more real than anything I've had before. Right down to hour long conversations in a non-moving vehicle and a possible new roommate that is just the cutest little thing...

I'm going to take these last few seconds before I land face down on my keyboard from sheer exhaustion to announce to the world that every single part of my life was a dream come true today. Right down to the impromptu Will Smith's Greatest Hits playlist that took up the last 15 minutes of my work day with the most wonderful coworkers/interns in existence.

Shouldn't blog at night...too little energy to say all the things I want to say!

throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll, the answer they reveal: life is unreal

I'm too lazy to come up with a french title for this one. Blogging shouldn't be work, it should be enjoyment! I don't know why I always make them french anyway.

Today is fathers day. My mom took my dad out for lunch at Don Lucho's (and he just discovered we've all been pronouncing "Don" wrong for years) and I caught him on the phone just as he was getting home. It's a pretty gorgeous day in NY today if the photos my best friend is sending me are up-to-date, so I'm pretty sure when we got off the phone he pulled a typical Papa Scott move and put the music on a little louder so he could hear it from the hammock.

I'm doing the same thing today; we just have to replace the hammock with this blog :-P

I've felt a little on edge lately, and that's the main ingredient in the recipe for an unhappy Hanna. I'm not unhappy, but I've walking a thin line. I had a rough couple of weeks that I'm fiiiinaaaalllllly starting to unwind from. Work is probably never going to be truly relaxing (it's work, after all) but I am certainly not as on edge as I was a month ago. I get to do so many amazing things with this job, I'd be silly to ever second guess my place there because I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing. The only other job I think I'd be happier with is one that allowed me to run around the woods and play with animals all day, and those are pretty hard to come by in Los Angeles, sooooo....

I have a friend named Vanessa that is VERY smart, especially with science, and she makes me want to go back to school for biology and completely start my life over and do something crazy like studying plant life in the Congo or something. She makes me want to be smarter about the most important things in life. There's a quote that I saw yesterday that went something like "Humans are on this earth to shit and fuck, and if your job is not to help humans shit or fuck, you're not doing anything that important" I laughed, but it's pretty true. I want to do something important that really makes the world a more beautiful place.

I briefly thought something was wrong this week, in an area unrelated to work, and when I found out I was just being silly it occurred to me that maybe I've finally encountered someone that I can truly be at ease around. And I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever said that and meant it. This is a good, good thing.

Good things happening, all around.

équitable, joli, juste

I shut my phone off today. It sounds like such a silly thing right? We can turn off our phones and computers anytime we want. Except that most of us really can't. Not only did I shut my phone off, but I seriously contemplated biking to the ocean to dispose of it for all of eternity. If I wasn't such a fan of a) constantly knowing what time it is, b) talking to my best friend and a few other select people, and c) taking pictures without dragging a camera around...it probably would have gone into the Pacific indeed. I think a mini-meltdown in a hooptie (ha!) that led to a night of me laying next to someone I care about, not having to think about anything showed me that I'd better start finding as many ways to relax my brain and my heart as humanly possible, because I need it. Or I risk becoming a complete wackjob.

I am still 100% happy and thankful that I'm here, and I mean that with everything I've got. I'm just worried about my sanity for one reason: NOTHING that I have is my own. I don't have even a square foot of my own space. Even my "free" time is not my own, as I'm quickly finding out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate the things that I supposedly want from my life, because I think I'm sort of far off on one of them haha. But where there's bad there's good, because let me tell you how perfect another area of my life is...I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to jinx it. I'm just super thankful, bottom line.

Jasmine iced tea from Mao's is awesome.

Furthermore, I cannot wait until I'm financially comfortable enough to get a gym membership and throw away my stress 3-5 times a week =) Even the thought of it makes me feel great. I feel like I have so much to look forward to, but unfortunately no time to actually look forward to it haha! I know this: I'm grateful for the hour-ish that I spend after work each day, walking from my office to CBS/the Grove to either laugh my ass off with the AMAZING guys in the machine room, or wander around in the evening sun and people watch.

And one last thing: I've officially lived in LA through every month of the year now. So what if I did it in a million pieces? Little personal milestones are sometimes the only thing I need to make me feel like I'm doing something right.

aujourd'hui en la ville d'Angeles

What a funny feeling I've had for the past 36 hours. I got up at 6:30 in the morning, showered, went to work early, began teaching myself a new programming language, LOVED the people that I work with, left the office, walked down Beverly while having the best conversations with my dad and best friend on the phone, and then met my other best friend on the street to head back to my apartment. I feel like I live here, and I guess that's something I didn't feel until yesterday? I felt like I was here, but it was a long visit or something. Even when I was working here last time; there was something about it that didn't make me feel like this was my home. It's a good feeling, and it's going to kick my ass for the next couple months. I feel like my life is one that is something to envy, even though I don't really want anyone to envy it if that makes sense.

I really did have a great conversation with my Dad. I never really talk to him on the phone because he's content emailing me to tell me he loves me and misses me, and I don't need constant phone calls to know that! But yesterday we talked for a good 10 minutes (trust me that is record breaking with him haha) about my life and how we felt about the way it's happening among other things, and I just want to hug him forever. And the hilarious conversation with Amanda about her job (kids jumping out of vans and trying to suffocate themselves isn't really funny... but it's funny to ME).

And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to sit here in Jemal's loft with 2 of my favorite guys on earth, listen to Goldfrapp, and thank my lucky stars for everything I have. Sorry if I'm so happy that it's hard to read what I write. You're just going to have to deal with it for a while =)

joyeux

Today I went to a meeting with a company that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. Out of all these places that I've interviewed and applied to in the past 2 months, this was the one that I never felt nervous about, this was the one that I really really loved. Today I listened to a very nice man tell me that since they found someone in their NYC office that can handle the majority of the social media, the position was changing to contain more design, and I was a good fit for that position.

I told everyone that I had a feeling this was going to be the one! When I told my dad today he said that he felt the same way when he interviewed for the job he has currently; sometimes you just know =)

Everything in my life is so great, I'm almost afraid to touch anything. I have everything I want.

The cap on my bottle of tea says "DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH"

haha WHAT could possibly happen next?

Milagro

I thought I'd make a list of the 10 most awesome things I can think of right now:

1) Josie by Steely Dan

2) Speaking of Steely Dan- the entire discography is now in my possession, and THAT is great.

3) The photo album I made today that I'm going to keep adding to, consisting entirely of photos I've taken along the Pacific Coast Highway

4) Another job interview on Tuesday that I'm going to rock out with

5) It's May! May is my favorite. There are fewer gorgeous days in May than there are in July or August, but for some reason the ones that exist in May are always appreciated more. At least in my life. I'm sure it's because most people are happy that summer is within reach!

6) I ate Indian food for the first time today (finally) and loved it. But I left in such a food coma that I couldn't move for a good hour. So now in LA I've had Brazilian, Cuban, Chinese (good chinese, not General Tso's), Thai, Japanese, Korean, Greek, Hawaiian, Italian, Mexican (obv), Indian, Ethiopian, raw/vegan...I'm pretty certain there are more. French & Siamese are next on the list.

7) It may sound silly, but I go for a run/walk almost every day down to Marina Del Rey and that little activity is something I for some reason wouldn't do the first time I lived here. I didn't want to explore. It's not a major thing, it's just something I always do to clear my head and the fact that I finally feel comfortable enough to have a routine here is something special. We know how hard it is for me to enjoy routine.

8) As always, the overabundance of beautiful & supportive people in my life. My tribe. I am so thankful to have met these people.

9) You know how sometimes you're torn between something and just wish the answer would come to you? The answer came to me this weekend. And no, it has nothing to do with NY/CA. No need to be any more specific than that :)

10) I have Harriet the Spy on my computer now so I can watch it whenever I want. And my parents mailed me my torn up, 40 year old copy of the book. Perfect perfect perfect.

There is one little piece of bad news: Momma Scott got "temporarily" laid off. She has such an amazing work ethic and my family really can't afford things like this. She deserves to work somewhere that doesn't make her constantly worry about whether she'll have a job next week. They told her she'd be hired back first if they can bring around more business, but what the hell does that mean? She can't just wait around for Prestolite to stop sucking. I want her to have something so much better.

this is what happens when you focus on color

It's been over a year since I've written in this blog! I moved back to NY, couldn't stop visiting Cali to see the friends and places I love, and eventually picked up my shit and came right back out here. I decided to move back on a Monday night in March, and hopped on a plane two days later. I'm looking for a job and staying in my old apartment with the best friends I could ever ask for. I'll have my old room back once Boris moves out. I feel very good about being here.

Last night in the car Brady mentioned how glad he was to see me so happy out here. A lot of people have commented lately on how happy I am. It's so funny how very very different things are this time around. Better quality of people, better lifestyle, less stress, more support from my family. I have little to no desire to speak with most of the people I used to see every day (Inglewood Blvd group excluded of course); I really only keep in contact with one person and that's because I feel like he changed a lot of things in my life that needed to be changed. I don't feel like I owe him anymore but I do feel like he did a lot for me. I wouldn't be here, living the sort of life I'm living with these incredible friends right this minute if it wasn't for that.

I need to redesign this blog and catch up with all my babies! I haven't felt the need to write all that much lately but I think that will be changing.

There's nothing but love on your mind

Sunday afternoon I hit a low point. I hit a low point that I never imagined myself reaching, had a conversation I dreaded and wanted to walk away from, and felt like I had failed for the first time here. I may not like this place all the time, but generally I know I'm doing OK. Maybe I needed to bounce; maybe that's as low as I'll go in this colorful new residency of mine and the future will be spent just like the past 6 days. I've woken up feeling ok. I've gone to bed feeling ok. The events of each day have turned into something to anticipate, even if I can't really tell the world (or the internet) why it's happened that way.

By the time I step out of a car onto Franklinville snow, it will have been 5 months to the day since I moved here. I will have seen my parents once in those 5 months. I call them every day...I take 5-15 minutes out of my workday to tell them I love them. And I'm so lucky for that, because they are the 2 most beautiful people in the entire world.

My Dad is someone who hit rock bottom several years ago and had the strength to turn around by himself and make his life and my family's lives better. He makes me laugh like no one else on this earth will ever be able to. He's had the craziest, most soulful life doing what he wanted to do and has implanted that soul into me and told me to do what makes me happy. And wouldn't you know, doing what makes me happy has never led me in a harmful direction. In fact, it's reserved me one of the best lives that I think a person can live. This is a man that told me, "You have never failed at something you really wanted. The second you decide you want something, it's yours, and I will never understand how you do it, it blows my mind." A man that emails me out of the blue to tell me he thought about me all day and how proud of me he is. A man that has practically always been on my side unless I did something really fucking stupid haha.

(prime example, piercing my own belly button in 9th grade...he wasn't on my side that day.)

My Mom is my rock. My gorgeous, determined, adorable, nervous rock. A lady who has singlehandedly been the glue that kept everything together in my family on more than one occasion. A lady that answers the phone with "Hello Beautiful" every time I call home no matter what kind of day she had. A lady that is often misunderstood and will never give herself enough credit. A lady that I can call anytime to tell her the latest stupid mistake I made (and the last one I threw at her was a biggie...not PC for the blog even) and she will listen calmly, tell me I can only do what's right for me and not other people, tell me the best way to wiggle out of the situation, and assure me that I Will Be Okay.

I'm pretty confident that life is taking me somewhere I can't even dream up right now; that's just how it's always been. Something bigger and better is always placed in my lap with a bow on it. All I have to do is untie it and it's mine- I can play around with it, grow with it, learn about it, and make it entirely my own. I've strolled through my life like a big fricken tunnel...I never veer off and try other paths, I literally ONLY head in one direction and that is upward. There is no maze to confuse me. I just take what I find and enjoy the ride until I come across something even more incredible. Hard to describe the right way unless you know me very well, and then I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

What better songs to post than ones that make me feel like I'm weightless, on backroads winding through the rural sun? Cause that has always been where I feel the most alive =)

MP3 [Terry Reid - Seed of Memory]
MP3 [Terry Reid - Brave Awakening]