Ain't love the sweetest thing

How funny it is when people can see your life more clearly than you can, tell you something about yourself, and they're actually right. I always appreciate people that are able to understand others so clearly, because a lot of people don't care to make that effort. Maybe it's easier for some people.

My troubles have been sorted out, or so it seems. Fiiiinally. I'm not going to announce them all here because one of them is frankly so strange that I'm a bit embarrassed by it and I don't want to tell the world how much control it's taken over me. BUT. And there is a big but. (I like big butts and I cannot lie) Just sorting out what is causing all this mess has made the knots in my stomach unwind and the buzzing in my head subside. There was just so much intensity that I got lost in it, I think. As I always do when there is intensity of any kind. I'm an intensity slut.

Have you ever read the thoughts of someone that were so like your own that it sucked you right in? Rolling Stone just released the full interview with John Lennon that was conducted a few days before he died. The things that Yoko Ono says about him and the things that he says/does in the interview make me feel like the possibility of a person's soul floating right down into someone else's body is one of the real-est things around. And maybe there was a piece of him floating around Buffalo General Hospital 6 years after he was killed, and maybe I breathed in at just the right moment. And even if that doesn't rationally explain the amazing connection I feel to him, I like the fact that I believe things like that can happen.

My boyfriend made me the most fantastic playlist that's been seeing some heavy playtime for the past few days. It calms me down when I start to freak out, and I'm not sure if it's because of the music itself or because I associate it with him and he always helps me relax when I need it. Regardless, I fell in love with this song and  I hope you do too: Katchafire - Who You With

When I look back on what happened today I have to laugh. I can't go into much detail I guess, but suffice to say: throwing a tantrum and forcing people to support your janky, non-trustworthy attempts at being a good person just bring your true colors out for everyone to see. I am so thankful that the people I allow into my life are not like you. To quote Meg Ryan- "You are nothing but a suit."

I don't wanna time travel no more

I miss my Grandma tonight. I looked at the online guestbook from her obituary posting in the Buffalo News and came across my mom's post and it just about made me lose my breath. What a strange feeling it is to exist in this world, and what a strange feeling it is to see an existence that intertwined with your own come to an end. An existence is all we have...

I can't stop writing lately. It feels like I'm releasing all these oddities that were just sitting casually inside me, waiting for the moment when I finally realized I HAD to let go of them. I am a complete essay that is beginning to spell check. 

I want to dance all up on someone in a dark, smoky, sweaty club to this song. And I don't even like Robyn. SO. FUCKING. HOT.

on love and loss

I'm going to say what I feel, because I have no reason not to.  I think that every minute I spend being honest with the rest of the world helps me feel better.

I feel more confused over my breakup than I do about my Grandma. Grandma passing away was organic and natural and it was meant to happen. She held onto her own life long enough for us to say goodbye and for everyone - including her - to make peace with it. Everyone admitted that even though there is a tremendous sense of loss, it never seemed unfair. Having to say goodbye to what -I- thought was a beautiful, comforting, fun relationship and not truly being able to understand why seems much more difficult to me. I will be the first to admit that I have almost too much love to give when it comes to the opposite sex. My biggest flaw in relationships is expecting everything to always be smooth sailing, because in my own head there's never a reason why it shouldn't be. If there are problems we fix them, if we need space we take it, if we want something we ask for it- it all seems so easy to me.

For the majority of this year I've been with someone who made me feel like I had wings. He is a wonderful man, he is smart and funny and easygoing. He is the best I've ever had in every way possible, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken. I miss him. But the bottom line is that I refuse to feel like an option when I'm so willing to make him a priority. It's been a very shaky, downward spiral of a month. I deserve more, and if he can't give that to me then it has to end.

The truth is, I'm tired of feeling alone. Even though it's a selfish thought. Even though my friends and family are willing to stick by my side through anything (and if the past week hasn't proven that, I don't know what will). Even though I like being single and dedicating all of my time to doing my own things. It's not the same. While figuring so much of myself out in the midst of everything with Grandma, I realized that the biggest change I've undergone is the one that has made me truly want to be happy with someone, when I previously couldn't pull my head out of my own ass long enough to let that happen.

I know what I want.


//EDIT Had such a great conversation and am feeling better about all of it. Just all of it. Thank you life :)

seasons change

Do you ever have the kind of day in which you take everything the wrong way, get all mixed up, and then unfortunately have to realize that all the messes were because of the way they got tangled in your head and not anyone else's? I actually hope that it's just me and not anyone else :( Sometimes I think I worry needlessly. It's tough not to worry that something's going to steal my sunshine when all the pieces of my life fit together so well. But sometimes it just seems like everything is not alright.

Ugh

feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace

I've heard a lot of odd tactics to combat stress when you're sinking in it, but perhaps the best was a friend that told me to just focus on color. Maybe he does it differently, but I took that to mean ignoring the purpose, shape, and size of everything and only see the colors that exist, nothing else. It's tough to shut down like that and only focus on one thing at a time, but when I'm able to do it I can feel my mood lift almost instantly. Color always makes me happy anyway; I can look at the color of a lush, freshly cut deep green lawn in the summer and feel so happy that I can't even contain it- it's almost like I'm soaking up the health of the grass and getting all juiced up on it lol. I look at deep pinks and feel warm and content. I think color affects some people a little more than others, just like anything else in the world, but that little suggestion has completely changed some of my worst days.

Going home for the first time in over 6 months tomorrow night- I'll only have 3 days to spend with my family and that's NOT enough. What can I really do about it? Most of my friends in LA have been here their entire lives, so their families are here too. It's the one thing that bothers me regularly, and there's no way for me to fix it. I'm still excited! This has been the longest I've gone without being on a plane in about 2 and a half years. What a weird thought

(they didn't have you where i come from, never knew the best was yet to come)

Evi, who is one of the best people I know by the way, has been finding all these articles on being introverted and posting them online. She posted this one (read!) a few days ago. There are some sentences in this that are so scarily similar to things I've felt and written myself that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief after reading it. Everything is me; thriving on reflection and alone time, feeling depleted by too much social engagement, exercising not for the workout but for the time alone with my own thoughts, feeling inadequate in the workplace because the phrase "throw some ideas at me" isn't how I work through things in my head. These 2 sections in particular struck a chord:

"An introvert who is silent in a group may actually be quite engaged—taking in what is said, thinking about it, waiting for a turn to speak—but will be seen in the U.S. as a poor communicator."

"Hardest was feeling judged—and judging herself—for how she was wired. Others would nudge her: 'Just say what you think.' Being reflective was not appreciated or encouraged."

My boyfriend is like a puppy (An incredible, brilliant, generous, gorgeous puppy lol). He is always jumping around, being friendly, talking to everyone within 20 feet, trying to understand everything. This is the single major difference between us and it's very apparent. We're both 100% able to keep ourselves happy almost all the time, but the routes we take to get there are drastically different. I'm an active person, but I'd rather sit still and recharge. I'm a very friendly person, and around some people I'm REALLY outgoing, but I hate small talk and I usually only speak when I feel like what I'm going to say will be appreciated. I of course want to understand everything too, but instead of jumping in and asking questions, I learn more by sitting back and observing. I love him and I would not change a single hair on his head, but the differences in the way we act are hilarious to me.

I think the crazy side of me magically appears when I feel like I'm truly understood. And that feeling either pops up immediately after meeting someone (my coworker Justin for example, has witnessed it from day 1 because I sensed in our 1st meeting that we were very very similar) or it will take a long, LONG time to work up to. The guys in the machine room at CBS always see me at my craziest for some reason- prime example would be today when Jesse and I had a loud obnoxious dance party to Big & Chunky in front of people I've never met in my life. Being reassured that it's OK to "let loose" and being asked to be crazy are both automatic turnoffs. It's offensive to me because I AM silly and ridiculous and me not displaying that for someone by no means gives them the right to ask for it. It's difficult to explain properly but that's the best I can do. The trouble with feeling that way is that the rest of the world seems to think that I need to be coaxed into being extroverted and all that will ever do is make me retreat deeper. People can run circles around me and yell at me and beg me to get crazy, and I think to myself, "if you knew me at all you'd know that if you never prompted me for it, it would likely appear on its own one day." The people that I keep in my life are the ones that have picked up on that.

Have you heard Joan Osborne's (circa 1992 or something) cover of Dylan's "Man In The Long Black Coat?" If you haven't, do yourself the favor. That song is fucking amazing.

crazy town

There are probably creatures living on another planet in another galaxy, sitting in their "living rooms" with their telescopes of a much higher power than Earthlings will ever develop, laughing at all of us running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Even when life feels quiet, it's really not.

After a very long and somewhat difficult conversation, I'm tossing the idea around that there may only be two types of people on this earth: offense & defense. I'd like to think I'm proactive and adventurous enough to be the former, but it seems like I'm showing different people different Hannas so I can't decide which I am. I asked a few people if they thought I seem withdrawn or hard to get to know, or a little too hesitant to try new things. One of them actually replied with "Hm. You've never struck me as any of those things. Hell i'd put you on my most likely to get wrangled into a crazy threeway list" Mayyybe I wouldn't go that far (or maybe I would if I ever meet Matthew Morrison from Glee mmmhhhmmmm) but everyone mentioned me making 2 crazy 3,000 mile moves on a whim in less than 3 years time, therefore making me totally unafraid of trying new things. I love change, I love trying new things. Why would anyone think that I don't? Ohhhh I can tell you why! Probably because I'm doing some stupid weird-ass balancing act, and I'm for some reason unable to let someone very important to me see all that craziness.

I'm always a million different people depending on how I feel that day; and a big problem with me lies within the fact that I'm scared of feeling embarrassed in front of the people that I want to have high opinions of me. I don't want anyone to know that I'm not perfect. It's completely ludicrous. Even in kindergarten, my teacher made me wear a duck hat and sing a song that I DESPISED in front of all the kids and their parents. There is a video of this performance, and you know what I do? Five year old Hanna rolls her eyes and acts distracted with something off to the side so that she doesn't look like a fool singing a dumbass song in front of people that she wants to impress. I was quite literally born this way. My parents think it's hilarious (I mean it is hilarious, watching a little blonde girl with a duck hat on doing EVERYTHING possible to avoid the camera), but that get-me-out-of-here feeling has never gone away.

But there is so much to the contrary. For a huge chunk of my life, I had no problem being on stage, on camera, in front of everyone, and I craved that spotlight. So what the fuck is it that makes that very important difference? Maybe it's because I put myself in those situations, I wanted to be in the spotlight. But when other people MAKE me do it, (kindergarten teachers for example), I cannot get far enough away.

Maybe that's the entire thing, that simple fact. I already know it's true in my life. The more someone tells me and suggests that I do something, the less I want to do it. If I feel forced to do something, I will do ANYTHING to get around it. It's not really an issue of being scared, it's an issue of being so overly stubborn and independent that I don't want to agree with anyone's suggestions of what I should do whatsoever, lol. Even if it's just for fun.

Being too afraid and being too stubborn/independent are at complete opposite sides of the spectrum. So how is it even possible that I can't decide which one is messing with me...?? Whatttt the fuckkk Hannaaaa

Not to mention- if I have a good heart, if I'm open to change, if I want to do good things, and if I'm incredibly happy with my life...is there really anything messing with me at all?

oui ou non...

I'm going to go ahead and admit that the new phone I got today put me in a bad mood haha. I wanted to try something new so I got a droid, and spent all day trying to like it. I just don't. I want my blackberry back. Or A blackberry. Not mine. Mine is 600 years old.

I do this a lot, where I run around changing things just for the sake of changing them, and sometimes they're better left untouched. I'm not really talking about the phone anymore, but that's a cute little example isn't it? You think you're so clever life...yeees you think you're just soooo clever.

équitable, joli, juste

I shut my phone off today. It sounds like such a silly thing right? We can turn off our phones and computers anytime we want. Except that most of us really can't. Not only did I shut my phone off, but I seriously contemplated biking to the ocean to dispose of it for all of eternity. If I wasn't such a fan of a) constantly knowing what time it is, b) talking to my best friend and a few other select people, and c) taking pictures without dragging a camera around...it probably would have gone into the Pacific indeed. I think a mini-meltdown in a hooptie (ha!) that led to a night of me laying next to someone I care about, not having to think about anything showed me that I'd better start finding as many ways to relax my brain and my heart as humanly possible, because I need it. Or I risk becoming a complete wackjob.

I am still 100% happy and thankful that I'm here, and I mean that with everything I've got. I'm just worried about my sanity for one reason: NOTHING that I have is my own. I don't have even a square foot of my own space. Even my "free" time is not my own, as I'm quickly finding out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate the things that I supposedly want from my life, because I think I'm sort of far off on one of them haha. But where there's bad there's good, because let me tell you how perfect another area of my life is...I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to jinx it. I'm just super thankful, bottom line.

Jasmine iced tea from Mao's is awesome.

Furthermore, I cannot wait until I'm financially comfortable enough to get a gym membership and throw away my stress 3-5 times a week =) Even the thought of it makes me feel great. I feel like I have so much to look forward to, but unfortunately no time to actually look forward to it haha! I know this: I'm grateful for the hour-ish that I spend after work each day, walking from my office to CBS/the Grove to either laugh my ass off with the AMAZING guys in the machine room, or wander around in the evening sun and people watch.

And one last thing: I've officially lived in LA through every month of the year now. So what if I did it in a million pieces? Little personal milestones are sometimes the only thing I need to make me feel like I'm doing something right.

sweet emotion

What an incredible roller coaster of a week. A terrible day landed me in the ER for the first time in 18 years on Sunday evening, hyperventilating. I've never hyperventilated before; I'd like to think I'm a relaxed person so I never thought that would happen to me! And since I've never done it before, I had no idea that when it's severe enough aaaaaaalllll of my muscles will become temporarily paralyzed. Therefore, instead of going to see Conan O'brien, Mike and I found ourselves speeding to Cedars-Sinai with me completely locked up in one position, thinking I was dying haha.

Luckily things have only improved since, in more ways than one. I finally got to interview for a job I'm so so sossosososoosososoooo excited about. I have another interview on Tuesday. I am feeling relaxed and confident.

The funny part of all this is that I'm not stressed whatsoever. I actually feel fucking great! And that's pretty much been the case since I came back here. Even when I was panicked and wondering what was going to happen to me on the way to the hospital, I never for one second wished that I was back in NY, and I never wished my parents were there with me. Mike takes awfully good care of me; I know he was scared too but he stayed calm and it made me feel a lot better.

I do want to write about some other things that have been happening lately but I think I'm going to save it for tomorrow. We're watching The Blind Side and I just don't have the attention span to do this anymore!

could you send it right over to me, i've got some time

It has been another white-hot day in this bizarre November heat wave. Wildfires in and around the city have made the air so awful that it rains ash and my eyes burn when I open my balcony door.

I'd like to say I have no regrets but now I think I have one