i keep my visions to myself

Brace yourself kids...this is gonna be a long one WOOOO!!!

I am happy. And I'm thankful that I (for once) listened to everyone around me, because from the time my Grandma died until I was back home visiting my family for the holidays I was not happy. And me not being happy meant, like always, I was constantly thinking how do i get out, get me out, get me out  and planning a hundred different escape routes to other cities spread out across the United States. LA is not the problem. HANNA is the problem, haha. LA has never done anything but give me things that I've always wanted but have never been able to find elsewhere. I was very seriously considering two options: moving back to Buffalo and attempting to take over my Grandma's house, or moving to Denver where I know absolutely no one and just starting over with a blank slate. I LOVE BLANK SLATES. I love starting over. I always have. This does not mean that it's always the necessary or intelligent thing to do. And I will admit I found myself in bed one night, Googling symptoms of panic disorders because I had been feeling so consistently horrible and that day in particular had been plagued with an intense fear of something I couldn't even fucking understand. Google told me to wait a little while longer before doing crazy things, because it takes about 2 months to start feeling relief from the grief of losing a loved one. And almost 2 months to the day after she died, I started feeling better. And we all lived happily ever after.

I'll be honest; it wasn't just Google that told me to wait before making crazy decisions about my life. Leaving you doesn't show up anywhere on my to-do list...

I miss her so much. No matter what, she is in the back of my mind. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about what her hands felt like while I held them in the hospital. Her skin was so soft. And we all commented on that. How did we not notice that before? I wish I would have held her hands every single day. I wonder if dealing with loss ever gets easier. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and even THAT is bizarre to me. I can't imagine being at an age where my friends start dying. If it's just a matter of growing numb to it, then I don't want any part of that. I will gladly be the girl who seems to be more emotional than everyone else, because emotion is free and it's my own and when I feel something, I know I'm feeling it for a reason.

Wednesday morning was the first time that a Starbucks barista has EVER spelled my name correctly on a cup. H-A-N-N-A!

Brady and I talked about it briefly, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to live in the United States forever. Actually I'm not starting to think it, I am DEFINITELY thinking it. In Eat Pray Love (don't you judge me) Julia Roberts sits in a barber shop in Italy, listening to a man tell her that Americans have a psychotic, foolish obsession with work. And that is because we're obsessed with money. And that is because we want "the life" which means getting every extravagant material thing we want the moment we see it. We've labeled all the commercial bullshit "normal" and taught our kids that they need to live life this way as well. Life is so short...why do we put so much desire and emotion into money when there is so much beauty in the world that doesn't cost anything? Or when it is crystal clear that GREED has made America the fat idiot kid in the class?

But back to Eat Pray Love and being obsessed with work. I know I don't love to work, but I AM a productive girl with a great work ethic. But I also know when enough is enough. What I do is not who I am, and I am not my circumstances. Moving to a place like Bali sounds more and more like the right decision every day. Haha I am my father. If you know him, you know why I just said that. Pierce Hill is his Bali, his quiet green masterpiece that is so far removed from the insanity and noise of the world that sometimes when I'm there I forget anything else exists. I want to work to make the world a better place, and when I'm done doing that for the day, I want to be able to hear birds singing and put my arms around someone that I love.

I got myself back and it feels so good