i've simply got to march, my heart's a drummer

This is a hilariously simple thing, but the other day I made a playlist of all those songs that I HAVE to listen to whenever they pop up anywhere. You know the ones you just love so much that you get excited to hear? I called that playlist Hannaland because it is obviously the songs that match me the most. And the past couple times I've noticed myself in a lousy mood, I've put it on and it transforms my mood instantly. I'm starting to notice that they're all loud in-your-face kind of songs...and when I listen to that kind of music it usually makes me want to be loud and in-your-face too. I have a lot of fun when I'm loud and abrasive so I'm not sure why I need to coax it out of myself...but if all it takes is a playlist and a cocktail or 2, I'm game.

I had a filthy dream last night that I shouldn't repeat online or in person or anywhere, so I've changed my mind and I won't describe it. But the more I think about it the more I laugh.

After my Grandma died I had myself convinced that I needed to get out of here and start fresh somewhere new (or old, since I was leaning towards Buffalo even though I wasn't completely sold on it). Jemal came down into my room one night and we had a long conversation about who I am, my weaknesses, my urge to run when things get hard. I was so scared to come back here after the funeral and face the bad things that were happening that I practically melted into the floor at Mighty Taco with my parents and couldn't speak, eat, move... It was the worst feeling I've ever felt and that is no exaggeration. Jemal told me I had to stop running, and although I think in some situations my running is totally fine, this particular one was not. I still don't think that I want to be in LA forever, and in fact even getting a California ID is such a commitment that I refuse to do it, but I'm taking baby steps lol.

Someday (probs sooner than later depending on when you stop TELLING me to do it) I will serenade you at a karaoke bar and it will blow your fuckin mind

got you where I want you

I'm so thankful to have a switch inside of me that flicks on when I've had enough darkness to remind me that I'm here for a short while and everything around me is beautiful and temporary. Today is an easy, clear blue day and I feel satisfied being here even without an apartment, without my family and best friend, without a lot of things (but WITH a blowdryer and straightener and other assorted hanna-things thanks to the 2 big boxes from Pierce Hill).

I try to stay pretty secretive about any bad things in my life. Not because anyone's asking me to or I feel like I'm obligated to, just because it's how I DO. My friend Ravi told me the other day that I seem like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, and that is such a cool compliment to receive. I don't know if I'd go as far as to say that I've never been happier, but I do feel so thankful that I'm here enjoying my life in my own way and doing something new every day. I think now I understand why there are so many old people in Franklinville haha...it's a place that you go when you've done what you want to do and you're OK with small-town relativity and routine.

Do you think there are certain types of people that are more likely to lose their sense of hope and faith in life as they get older? Or is there maybe a certain age that it starts at? It seems like so many people I know in their late 20s get this random "I'm so old, once you're this old you'll understand why we start losing hope" thing goin on. Honestly you're 26-29, shut up. You're not 80. At this exact moment, this exact second in time, I feel like I will never lose the overwhelming sense that people truly are good at heart.

I might have found an apartment. THE apartment. On the most gorgeous tree-lined street with a really pretty path lined with gardens on both sides, up to an apartment thats the perfect size with a really chill guy that needs a roommate. And it's not even a half mile from work. Tell me this is possible, tell me this is possible, tell me this is possible.... I haven't needed something so much in such a long time.

I think I'm going to go lay in the grass after work...whether Mr. Furnari graces me with his presence or not =)