i've simply got to march, my heart's a drummer

This is a hilariously simple thing, but the other day I made a playlist of all those songs that I HAVE to listen to whenever they pop up anywhere. You know the ones you just love so much that you get excited to hear? I called that playlist Hannaland because it is obviously the songs that match me the most. And the past couple times I've noticed myself in a lousy mood, I've put it on and it transforms my mood instantly. I'm starting to notice that they're all loud in-your-face kind of songs...and when I listen to that kind of music it usually makes me want to be loud and in-your-face too. I have a lot of fun when I'm loud and abrasive so I'm not sure why I need to coax it out of myself...but if all it takes is a playlist and a cocktail or 2, I'm game.

I had a filthy dream last night that I shouldn't repeat online or in person or anywhere, so I've changed my mind and I won't describe it. But the more I think about it the more I laugh.

After my Grandma died I had myself convinced that I needed to get out of here and start fresh somewhere new (or old, since I was leaning towards Buffalo even though I wasn't completely sold on it). Jemal came down into my room one night and we had a long conversation about who I am, my weaknesses, my urge to run when things get hard. I was so scared to come back here after the funeral and face the bad things that were happening that I practically melted into the floor at Mighty Taco with my parents and couldn't speak, eat, move... It was the worst feeling I've ever felt and that is no exaggeration. Jemal told me I had to stop running, and although I think in some situations my running is totally fine, this particular one was not. I still don't think that I want to be in LA forever, and in fact even getting a California ID is such a commitment that I refuse to do it, but I'm taking baby steps lol.

Someday (probs sooner than later depending on when you stop TELLING me to do it) I will serenade you at a karaoke bar and it will blow your fuckin mind