how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people

Usually I work well under pressure.

Maybe it's not that I "work." Maybe it's that the universe can sense when I'm setting myself up for disaster and instead of making me suffer, it gives me what I need to fix my mess. That has happened more times than I can even count, which is significant because I've noticed that a lot of times it's hard to pinpoint exact instances in life where things have happened.

Kind of like an argument that goes like this:
"you always do that!"
"when have i ever done that? name a specific time that i've done that"
"...i cant think of one offhand"

Maybe I'm being really vague. Sometimes being vague feels good. I like not giving people the information they want because I know that they want it. I like doing everything to the contrary of what people want me to do, but subtly enough that no one really notices.

There's a quote floating around that tells us to never appear like we're more interesting than we really are because then there's nothing left for people to want. I almost feel like I'm doing the opposite of that sometimes, like I can make myself so fascinating to other people and draw in anyone that I want, but keeping them there is always a struggle.

There was a girl named Chrisol Lomeli at the show Randi played in last night who had such a beautiful voice but didn't quite have complete control over it. It's almost like her voice was trying to escape from her mouth- it was overpowering the rest of her. It made me think that maybe I should really stop being such a little bitch about doing the things that I KNOW make me happy just because I'm scared- performing mainly. There is nothing else that makes me feel the way singing/playing does, because I KNOW I'm good, and it was a HUGE part of my life. I stopped doing them both for other people because there were so many talented people in college. If the whole world wasn't planning on paying attention to me then I didn't care anymore, and eventually just developed some weird fear of it all. Aaaand now no one knows that I can actually do it! Except for my best friend, who will always be subjected to me belting out Grace Potter in the car.

The biggest problem with a pairing of two people who have made great lives for themselves by being truly happy without a boyfriend or girlfriend is that they've likely become very attached to living their life the way they want to. I'd like to think the best relationships don't have to sacrifice that at all, but I know that no matter how amazing a relationship is, there will always be some sacrifice. I don't really feel like I've had to make any of those so far, though I have had to change. There's a big difference between changing for someone and bettering yourself because there's someone worth that effort. I can bitch about being misunderstood and introverted all I want, but the bottom line is that I could stand to stop giving a fuck sometimes.