life began when i saw your face

"ask me how do i feel from this chemistry lesson we're learning
well sir all i can say is if i were a bridge i'd be burning"
-amel larrieux

I think that romance is something easily forgotten in everything except the opposite sex. I am an intensely romantic person. In thought, in design, in action, in love. Maybe that's why I lose attraction once I get it; the other person just doesn't have room in their life for more romance. Why are we so starved for it? I don't need love letters or people standing under my window and singing to me (though I've had both and they were wonderful), but what happened to our ability to give ourselves entirely to another paying no mind to any darkness that could become of it? I am hell-bent on relying on practicality in every area of my life...but love. And it seems like so many people here have done the opposite and now I'm in a place I don't think I deserve to be in. I don't REALLY think anyone deserves to be here, but an increasingly scary amount of people I know are. They're all right here, standing on the same little patch of grass looking over the fence...

I was in the store today buying gingerale for my sad belly and a lady walked by me singing along to the Sade song that was playing and she had such a pretty voice that it made me sing too. I wonder why I'm such a little bitch when it comes to something I know I'm good at. I should be able to sing at the top of my lungs whenever I want. Truthfully I think it'd make me feel a lot healthier.

I have a sex playlist. Not to say that when the magic happens I am like "HOLD ON" and run over to my computer to press play. But you know how certain songs just have that slow burn to them that makes you think of certain nights that you've had? I won't give away the whole list but here are a solid top ten. And I'll even give you an mp3.

10. Thirteen Days - JJ Cale
9. Since I've Been Lovin You - Led Zeppelin
8. Like a Tattoo - Sade
7. Your Eyes - Amel Larrieux
6. Middle Man - Dive Index
5. Pale Sun - Cowboy Junkies
4. Drown in My Own Tears - Ray Charles (I don't pay much attention to lyrics, just sound. Ignore the sadness haha)
3. Let You Down - Dave Matthews Band
2. We Haven't Turned Around - Gomez
1. MP3 [Best Dress - Damien Jurado]

No Barry White. It's just not my thaaang.

Fog and Smog are not the Same

"It's hard for me to find a way
to get through another city day
without thinking about
getting out"
-David Crosby

The Palace is coming together nicely. I invested in a white table that doubles as a desk...I found it on craigslist and it just looks like it was meant to be mine. So now there is no need for blogging in bed, and there is also no chair for said table/desk. Which is unfortunate. I think my old nightstand from target will support my "almost ethnic ass" (as Greg put it) until I can find a good one.

This weekend was dedicated to catching up on sleep and finding a way to make this place feel like home. I never realized how far I was from what I wanted to be until I made a new and improved Franklinville playlist on iTunes and all these crazy memories started floating back into my brain and made me miss that place more than I will ever be able to explain. I'm obviously not the same as I was 4 or 5 years ago, but I do think that there are elements of myself that I had then that I miss having now and need to get them back. And as silly as it sounds, music is a stepping stone for that; if you're in the right frame of mind, you can do anything. It's so much more simple than people think.

I don't think I can afford to go home for Thanksgiving. I told Amanda and told my parents, and they all understood and were supportive but that made it no easier. My mom told me sometimes that if certain songs come on the radio on their drive home from work, my parents start thinking of things we've done together and cry. If I were 14 I would probably want to crawl in a hole and die from embarrassment from that, and frankly that's not even a normal statement coming from my parents, but lately it just makes me want to hug them. I don't want them to feel like I'm far away. I don't want to BE far away.

Being here has seemed like an afterthought lately. I wake up and am indifferent towards it. I don't know how long the feeling will last, but if it's more than a few months I'm going to start hunting for jobs in NYC online. The more I talk to people about my life here the more I realize how different it is from what I need and want. There are parts that I won't want to leave of course, and maybe those parts will be what keeps me here longer. Who knows. It just doesn't feel like the right spot. I'm willing to bet that I know exactly what (who) deals with that feeling, but I'll never say it outloud. There's just no point.

[memories are just dead men making trouble]

My S key is on its way out. That's not a good thing....this computer isn't even 6 months old. I wonder if I type more words that have the letter S. Isn't E the most popular letter? RSTLNE, if Pat Sajak knows anything about the English language...

I get that I'm a little crazy about music that reminds me of home, but the same goes for anything that feels like that place. It's where I've felt the happiest, so why not find ways to relate it to this big city that bears no resemblance? These two sound like summertime and backroads which makes them perfect candidates...

MP3 [David Crosby - Traction in the Rain]
MP3 [JJ Cale - Hey Baby]